Archive for the ‘How-To’ Category

How To Choose Which Child to Sacrifice

Sometimes, life can throw you a curveball. Worse yet, life can throw a bone-crushing 98 mph fastball directly at your head. Writers generally refer to this as tragedy. Tragedy can take the form of every parent’s worst nightmare: having a child that watches Glee. Alternatively, you might face the lesser...
November 30th, 2010 | How-To | Read More

Your Own Riot in Eight Easy Steps

Complacency is a disease. It eats away at creativity, ambition, and progress. More importantly, it leads to a dull Saturday night. Fortunately, there is a simple, sure-fire cure: rioting. Starting your own riot may seem daunting at first. But with the steady hand of a semi-sober magazine writer guiding...
November 13th, 2010 | How-To | Read More

Do’s and Don’ts of Video Conferences

Whether you’re Skyping a coworker, interviewing via video chat, or spending your so-called vacation in the Bahamas dealing with a work crisis, chances are you need a little guidance on just what you can get away with. So for your next formal business meeting, keep these tips in mind: Do use the small...
October 16th, 2010 | How-To | Read More

How I Would Use The Harry Potter Franchise

J.K. Rowling recently hinted to Oprah that she might consider writing more Harry Potter books. In the spirit of sucking any remaining life out of the franchise, here are some real-life products they might consider producing to support the new books: Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Xanax — New...
October 4th, 2010 | How-To | Read More

Flowchart For Asking A Girl Out

This is based on an actual flowchart made by an actual Tiger staffer as a guide to asking out an actual girl. Names have been changed to protect the guilty. I cannot stress enough how real, sad, and hilarious the original is, but, unfortunately, it has since been lost to the sands of time. Which is...
September 10th, 2010 | How-To | Read More

The Most Honest Cosmo Quiz You’ll Ever Take: Are You Pursuing Him Too Hard?

Are You Pursuing Him Too Hard? Cosmo Tells It Like It Is! 1) You know he’ll be at his regular coffee shop at his regular time. What do you do? a. Put on a cute top and a big smile and run into him! Maybe you’ll start up a witty conversation and who knows, he could ask for your phone number! b....
July 27th, 2010 | How-To | Read More

How Lady Gaga Convinced Beyonce To Do The ‘Telephone’ Music Video

Lady Gaga: Hey, Beyonce. Beyonce: Are you Lady Gaga or a talking pile of bubble wrap?  It is difficult to tell these days. Lady Gaga: Gaga.  So I have this idea.  For a video.  It’s pretty weird. Beyonce: Like, normal weird or you weird? Lady Gaga: Me weird. Beyonce: The rational part of my...
March 23rd, 2010 | How-To | Read More

How to Write a Paper About Nothing

Writing classes tell students a lot of things. A great many of these things are true, if you’re one of those outmoded models with a “drive to learn” (it hurts to type it) or are one of the poor souls to major in a topic with the word “literature” attached to it. For the rest of us, a different...
February 22nd, 2010 | How-To | Read More

How To Start Your Own Doomsday Panic

Pattern recognition is mankind’s third greatest weakness, just behind bullets and YouTube videos of sneezing baby pandas. In recent years, the best example of our collective failure of induction has been the repetitive cycle of doomsday panics in popular culture. Rarely does a year pass without a...
December 15th, 2009 | How-To | Read More

How to Pretend You Care About Genocide

We know, you lead a busy life. Your time is valuable. It’s hard to be you. But lately, your lack of a soul, or even basic empathy for the suffering of other human beings, has been getting in the way of your success, both professionally and personally. You might think it would be too time-consuming...
September 25th, 2009 | How-To | Read More