Life
Illustrated by AZ '16

How to Exaggerate Your Summer (A Primer)

You got a job and networked like you were born for it, but at the end of the day you wonder whether you regret ending your childhood at the tender age of twenty, and you’re desperate to preserve the charade that you’re an at least halfway interesting human being.

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Six Unrealistic Scenarios that End with Me Kissing This Girl in My Hall

1. Conscription for the robot war has begun early. Princeton is torn to shreds.  Dorms are set aflame and the sky has turned a darkness blacker than the depths of Overlord Eisgruber’s eyes. Wilson…

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A Guide to Princeton Precept Etiquette

As you begin your first semester here at Princeton, you’ll be introduced to a type of class known as the “precept.” You’re probably wondering what exactly a “precept” is. Well, it’s actually very…

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Outdoor Action 2014: Tips and Tricks

This year, from August 30th to September 5th, approximately 800 freshman from the class of 2018 will participate in Princeton’s Outdoor Action program. To any and all anxious freshmen, here are a few…

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Emoticons for an Evolving Age

Sometimes a crude, punctuation-based picture is worth a small collection of words. And in this age of smartphones, where texting could transform at any moment into meaningful conversation, never has the conservation of…

Illustrated by AZ '16

How to Successfully Embezzle Money from Your Student Group

By Tim Matchen, Chairman Emeritus Let me start with a disclaimer: I have never, ever embezzled money from The Princeton Tiger (though I make no similar claims about my interactions with The Daily Princetonian)—but…

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Eight Signs You Went to Princeton But Have Total Retrograde Amnesia

You ALWAYS tell people you went to “a small liberal arts school in New Jersey” because that’s all you’ve been able to piece together of the life you had before.

Illustrated by CSO '15

Oh God, We Can’t Stop

What luck. After 25 years of fruitless research, I tentatively present that my team may have finally found another long-lost piece of history’s puzzle. From this day forward, our understanding of twenty-first century life will never be the same.

Humor is Worthless

People say that satire has the power to educate and change and even assert its author’s own opinions. They are wrong.

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Is Your Teen Doing “Weed?”

Has your child been acting strangely in recent years? Odds are, they are using illegal drugs to become “high.” Be on the lookout for the following telltale signs.

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