Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Modern Applications of Dueling

Marriage. Voting. Worship. Many pundits praise these institutions as the foundations of our society, the traditional moral pillars that keep us from degeneration. Yet for over a century one key practice has been conspicuously absent from this list: dueling. Dueling once played the noble role of allowing...
May 8th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Ways My Beard Makes Me Seem Thoughtful and Worldly

Sometimes I’ll soak my mustache in scotch before going out to a social event. Then, during conversation, I’ll suck on it and then make some pronouncement like, “This ten-year single-malt has an excellent bouquet.” Since nobody else wants to suck on my mustache, nobody can tell me that...
April 16th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

How to Write a Paper About Nothing

Writing classes tell students a lot of things. A great many of these things are true, if you’re one of those outmoded models with a “drive to learn” (it hurts to type it) or are one of the poor souls to major in a topic with the word “literature” attached to it. For the rest of us, a different...
February 22nd, 2010 | Life | Read More

Discrimination By (Lack of) Sex

Affirmative action is a contentious policy. Of late, women and African Americans such as Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, and Barack Obama have modeled visible progress, so proponents of affirmative action have reason to be ecstatic. Yet as discrimination in the workforce becomes less and less acceptable,...
February 16th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Computer Engineer Barbie Creates Unrealistic Expectations for Women, Engineers

“I really like programming, but I’ll never be pretty enough to be a computer engineer.”  Heather Rogers, like countless other 6-12 year old girls, is part of the next generation of victims in Mattel’s 50-year crusade against women in the workplace.  When computer engineer was...
February 15th, 2010 | Life | Read More

Breakup Leaves Man’s Heart, Refrigerator Cold And Empty

The devastating breakup with his live-in girlfriend of three years has left local man Andrew White emotionally drained and hungry.  “I really thought she was the one,” White told reporters, speaking from a poorly lit bedroom that reflected the darkness  in his soul.  “All I’ve...
February 14th, 2010 | Life | Read More

How To Start Your Own Doomsday Panic

Pattern recognition is mankind’s third greatest weakness, just behind bullets and YouTube videos of sneezing baby pandas. In recent years, the best example of our collective failure of induction has been the repetitive cycle of doomsday panics in popular culture. Rarely does a year pass without a...
December 15th, 2009 | Life | Read More

Shake Up Your Hook Up

The Hook Up is In! Breaking news: American college students have spoken: the “hook up” is in. Experts concur that this is mostly a result of a soul-sucking adolescent urge to “bang” combined with how it is increasingly difficult to find a reliable source of sex, i.e. a girlfriend or boyfriend....
December 6th, 2009 | Life | Read More

Burqas: A Scientific Defense

Burqas: A Scientific Defense A fundamental principle of modern sociological thought is the legendary syllogism that states that mo’ money yields mo’ bitches yields mo’ problems, or the “Gangsta’s Chain.” An oft-neglected corollary to the Chain derives from the postulate that it is to the...
December 3rd, 2009 | Opinion | Read More

A Message From Your Conscience

Hey, there. I think we need to talk. See, I’ve felt like we’ve been drifting apart lately. Remember the good old days? We made a great team. You’d consider taking Jim’s lunch when he got up to get a drink, and I’d be all like, “No, man, respect the kid’s property,” and you totally did....
November 29th, 2009 | Life | Read More