Letters
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A Note About Selfies from Hillary Clinton

Hello, citizens of Trump’s America. It is I, Hillary Clinton, the person you wish you had elected president. These past few weeks have been tough for all of us. Some of you are…

A Letter to the Class of 2020

College is an exciting time. For the next four years, you’ll be learning new things, exploring new places, and meeting new people. But most importantly, college is the time to figure out what…

Spires and Gargoyles – “In the Nation’s Service”

Something magical happens when you sashay through Fitz-Randolph gate and enter the suburban paradise that is Princeton’s campus. Eisgruber sits in his office waving and fanning all the money from the university’s endowment…

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All Jokes Aside, I’m Going to Need to See Some I.D. (by Officer Carlson)

Look, I get it. You were out looking for a couple of laughs. Probably expected to have yourself a downright hilarious time. I bet you thought you could read a few articles, chuckle…

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An Honor Code Conspiracy Theory

A warm welcome to our new students. For many of you, this is a time of transition, and I’m sure you’ve been bombarded by a whole lot of new information. One of the…

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are tightening their grips on the Democratic and Republican presidential nominations.

I Have Been Really Loving All The Politics Recently

Wow, this election season sure is crazy, huh? I don’t normally get that into politics, (it’s usually so dull and boring) but this presidential race has been the most exciting one I’ve seen…

Making My Dream Come True: A Letter from the Fan Who Married Harry Styles

Dear fans everywhere, Ever since I first heard His glorious voice and saw his luscious locks, I knew that one day I would marry that godlike man, Harry Styles. Now I know many of…

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Why Don’t Any Girls Want to Date a Nice Guy Who Krazy Glued Both of His Hands to His Face?

I just don’t get women. They love to talk about how much they want to meet a nice guy who’ll treat them right, but when it comes to who they actually date, they…

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A Rejection Letter

Dear Ms. Padecki, I regret to inform you that I will not be moving forward with your application for the role of “girlfriend”. While your qualifications were certainly impressive and your experience more…

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I’m a Rocket-Man

By Elton John I open my eyes to see a room full of scientists, prodding me with their scalpels and their wrenches. I look around – it is a cold, sterile room: an…

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