Fiction/Poetry

What Is Best In Life?

 Bill Murray riding Bruce Willis down a sand dune on Mars bro carrying a handful of police badges drenched in Ovaltine in his right hand and in his left carrying the American flag…

Faust

Princeton’s Faust: An Adaptation of Wolfgang von Goethe’s Faust By: Stephen Stolzenberg  PART I Cast: Mephistopheles (the Devil) God (The President of the University) Faust (The hero) Brander, Frosch, Siebel, and Altmayer –…

Dean’s Date

The Great Paper Race On Tuesday, January 17, four writers were given a seemingly impossible task: write a paper on a topic they knew nothing about in 45 minutes or less.  This is…

I Hereby Resign as a Planeeter

Hi, everyone. Heart here. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’ve realized that my time as a planeeter is done. This wasn’t an easy decision and it—hey, where are you…

The Invention of the Iron Maiden

Duke: This had better be good. I was elbow deep in concubines. Blacksmith: I believe the expression is “knee deep”. Duke: No, I meant elbow. Blacksmith: Apologies, my lord. But I’m sure you’ll…

Two Macho Men Stories

Halloween “Hey man, did I ever tell you about the time I was five, and I rode my Big Wheel through the supermarket? Yeah, it had a Harley Davison sticker on the bumper…

A Christmas Carrel

“Spirit,” said Malkiel, with an interest she had never felt before, “tell me if Tiny Tim will get into grad school.”
“If the shadows of the Future remain unchanged, no.”

Dildo Sale

I can’t wait for the next dildo sale! Normally, I buy about 3-4 new dildos per trip to the dildo store. I make biweekly trips. When there is a dildo sale though, I…

Four Dreams The Author’s Friends Insisted On Telling Him About

Well, so get this. I was in this paintball game, right? And the teams were me and Julianne Moore against my friend and his mom, who was also Julianne Moore. And we were…

The Journal of William Gates, the Internet Explorer

In 1804, President Thomas Jefferson charged Meriwether Lewis and William Gates with exploring and mapping the territory acquired in the famed “Facebook Purchase.” The following are excerpts from Mr. William “Bill” Gates’s log….

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