Dean’s Date
The Great Paper Race On Tuesday, January 17, four writers were given a seemingly impossible task: write a paper on a topic they knew nothing about in 45 minutes or less. This is…
I Hereby Resign as a Planeeter
Hi, everyone. Heart here. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’ve realized that my time as a planeeter is done. This wasn’t an easy decision and it—hey, where are you…
The Invention of the Iron Maiden
Duke: This had better be good. I was elbow deep in concubines. Blacksmith: I believe the expression is “knee deep”. Duke: No, I meant elbow. Blacksmith: Apologies, my lord. But I’m sure you’ll…
A Christmas Carrel
“Spirit,” said Malkiel, with an interest she had never felt before, “tell me if Tiny Tim will get into grad school.”
“If the shadows of the Future remain unchanged, no.”
Dildo Sale
I can’t wait for the next dildo sale! Normally, I buy about 3-4 new dildos per trip to the dildo store. I make biweekly trips. When there is a dildo sale though, I…
Four Dreams The Author’s Friends Insisted On Telling Him About
Well, so get this. I was in this paintball game, right? And the teams were me and Julianne Moore against my friend and his mom, who was also Julianne Moore. And we were…
The Journal of William Gates, the Internet Explorer
In 1804, President Thomas Jefferson charged Meriwether Lewis and William Gates with exploring and mapping the territory acquired in the famed “Facebook Purchase.” The following are excerpts from Mr. William “Bill” Gates’s log….
The Birth of Keystone Lite
In the beginning, God created beer. It mostly went downhill from there. Soon after He created beer, God became bored and needed someone to get drunk and watch March Madness with. Thus man…
The Ten Commandments Writer’s Room
Uriel: Hail! Fellow Archangels! Champions of Paradise! Lieutenants of the Lord of creation! Gabriel: Can we drop the epic poetry lingo? This thing is due in an hour. Raphael: It’s not the time….
