“There Is No God”: One Man’s Quest to Win an Amazon Gift Card by Taking Psych Thesis Surveys

Four years. Four years, I have tried. Four years—four years! four years! I have tried. Four years, I have failed! I have tried everything now. My name is on all six res college…


A Valentine’s Day Sex Overload

SEX OVERLOADS. Everybody knows them. Everybody fears them. You’ll be heading to Late Meal or whatever, you know, just out and about and minding your own business, when— SEX. It comes flying out at you from every nook and cranny…


World-Famous Rock Star Chad Kroeger Falls in Love With Amanda, Age 15, by Amanda, Age 15

It was a bright and not-stormy day, and Chad Kroeger sat by himself in the corner booth of Big Horns Diner, drinking a hot coffee in full view of the Montana sunlight.


The Lost Manuscripts of Chet Slaterton, 19th Century British Fraternity Brother

Our Mutual Friend ‘Twas the fourteenth of July, a beautiful day with the sky blue as a robin’s egg and nary a cloud to be seen for miles in any direction. My dearest friend Randy—O,…


Stopping by McCosh on a Drunken Evening

Whose coat this is I think I know. He must be back in Terrace, though; He did not see me stealing it To wear as I plod through the snow. My friend must…

Roommate Contract (Amended)

Roommate Contract (Additions in Green) Names: Donald Marad, Neil Stewart By signing this roommate contract, we hereby agree to: Sleep by 2 AM on weeknights. Sitting in bed and cackling to Dane Cook does not count…


Green Eggs and Daaaaaamn

I do not like Green Eggs, but damn…


The Most Sustainable Excerpts from 50 Shades of Green

Right now, the only thing hotter than global warming is this steamy new romp from G.W. Jameson. The novel, printed on mostly recycled material, follows the passionate commitment to helping our planet shared…

Assorted Poetry

11/14: A Haiku November fourteenth If today is your birthday Your mom got flowers Traffic Lights Suck Violets are red Roses are blue Oh shit I’m colorblind Now what do I do? Dear…

Shakespeare Love Quotes, Translated

Quote: “Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.” Translation: Spontaneous “I love you” texts really go a long way. Quote: “You have witchcraft in your lips.” Translation: Your lipgloss be poppin’. Quote: “Who ever…

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