Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

A Letter to the Defense

From the desk of Offense… Defense, Where do you get off? Special teams told me what you said about me. I’m a showoff? Is that so? Where do you get the nerve? I’m busy winning games over here. You think you’re so great because of that interception in the third quarter? That’s fine. Go...
November 22nd, 2011 | Sports | Read More

Princeton Defeats Harvard in Animal Abuse Match

In addition to football’s three-point victory over Columbia last week, Princeton managed to eke out another win against arch-rival Harvard in the annual Ivy League animal abuse tournament. The Tigers defeated the Crimson by just a single violation of the natural laws governing the interactions between...
October 9th, 2011 | Princeton, Sports | Read More

Tiger Woods Finds Lost Lucky Underwear, Resumes Winning

Jupiter, FL – A crowd quickly gathered at the home of Tiger Woods early Monday morning in preparation for an impromptu press conference regarding the American golfer’s recent find of his beloved lucky underwear. Tiger wasted no time and jumped into his prepared statement.   “Well, I had been...
September 24th, 2011 | Sports | Read More

Ohio State Tattoo-Gate Violators Sentenced to Death

Columbus, OH — The five Ohio State players caught trading their own personal possessions for tattoos have been sentenced to the death penalty. The affected players include 2010 leading rusher Dan Herron, number one receiver DeVier Posey, All-Big Ten offensive tackle Mike Adams, defensive end Solomon...
September 14th, 2011 | Sports | Read More

Dogg Barks up March Madness

On Friday, NCAA Spokesperson Stacy Osburn announced impromptu changes in March Madness rules this year. After signing a $9 million deal with rapper Snoop Dogg(y Dogg) just last week, it was agreed that tournament rules would be changed to ‘Street basketball rules’ to better acknowledge and appreciate...
March 21st, 2011 | Sports | Read More

LeBron Abandons Pretense, Gets ‘Fuck You Ohio’ Tattoo

The sentiment out of Miami today was surprise, as Lebron James just went ahead and did it during a press conference, finally revealing the “Fuck You Ohio” tattoo on his chest that we all knew was there. He immediately went on the offensive. “Have any of you people ever been to the state...
November 9th, 2010 | Sports | Read More

NFL “Sickened” By Harrison Tackle; Considers Execution

NEW YORK — Last Sunday, Pittsburgh outside linebacker James Harrison viciously tackled two members of the Cleveland Browns, causing them to fall to the ground and preventing them from completing the play they had presumably discussed in the huddle.  Characteristically, NFL Commissioner Roger...
October 25th, 2010 | Sports | Read More

Unidentified AA Ball Club Knocks Braves Out Of First Place

PITTSBURGH – Atlanta dropped to second place in the barely competitive NL East last week after a stunning 5-0 loss to a small team from somewhere just north of the Mason-Dixon line.  After 6 1/3 scoreless innings, Braves ace Tim Hudson gave up an RBI double to a small Venezuelan man, opening the gates...
September 9th, 2010 | Sports | Read More

Al Davis Weighs In On Season Length

NEW YORK – Last week Commissioner Goodell proposed several changes to the NFL’s regular season length. Some NFL executives initially hinted at a simple 18 game regular season and a shortened 2 game preseason, but the Commissioner quickly discounted this idea as unlikely to engender sufficient...
September 5th, 2010 | Sports | Read More

Pinball Wizard Outed as Fraud

In a revelation that has rocked the world of competitive pinball, international champion Derek Dolohov, commonly known as the “Pinball Wizard,” has been outed as a fraud.  Dolohov gained fame unsurpassed in his sport partly due to his inspiring accomplishments in the face of claimed deafness, dumbness,...
September 27th, 2009 | Sports | Read More