1. Mark.
I’ll be honest, this one was a heartbreaker. A woodworking hobbyist, good with kids, loves the glassblowing work of Dale Chihuly just like me. It wasn’t until his complaints about Nancy Pelosi started interrupting our third game of Words with Friends that I started to put the pieces together. Out of all the times the 43rd President of the United States has fooled me into matching with him on Tinder, this was probably his best effort.
2. The Time He Posed as George H. W. Bush.
This one was truly disappointing. I was thrilled to have matched with Georgie Jr.’s far more desirable father, but when I arrived to our dude ranch date, I was heartbroken to see the wrong Bush smiling before me. Let’s be honest, I’ve only got room for one conservative demagogue with a personal grudge against Saddam Hussein in my life.
3. The Time He Wore a Hat.
Call me crazy, but this one really threw me. I just don’t usually picture George W. Bush with a hat! We even went on a couple of real dates this time, and for a while there he kept it tipped at just such an angle that I couldn’t see the tell-tale wrinkles of the man who plunged us into the Iraq War. It wasn’t until he excused himself from our dinner at the Alamo Drafthouse to shoot a quick goodnight text to Dick Cheney that I began to figure this one out.
4. The Time He Posed as Late Character Actor John Cazale.
It didn’t work at that cocktail party in 1982 and it didn’t work now.
5. The Time He Posed as His Own Evil Twin.
I was wary enough to be going on a date with Beorge W. Gush, Bush’s evil twin, especially when in some more intimate moments he talked of plans to make me queen of the cyber-dimension after he devoured the soul of Chuck Schumer. I can’t pretend the dirty talk wasn’t a little titillating, but to find out there was no such person as Beorge W. Gush was a bit of a relief.
6. Jake.
It doesn’t matter how good the Photoshop was or how much he worked out. This time, I didn’t even swipe right. Would you? Some profiles, you give it one look and you’re already saying to yourself, “that’s just former leader of the free world George W. Bush, trying to swindle his way into my good graces one last time.”
7. He wasn’t even trying this time.
NP ’21