In what is being hailed as a victory for theoretical physicists and social psychologists alike, researchers at the Institute for Advanced Study have successfully synthesized a particle capable of sustaining an entirely nonsexual relationship between a man and a woman. The subatomic particle is believed to be the building block of the previously theorized “friendship” between an eligible man and woman — a hypothetical relationship described as free from sexual tension, romantic intrigue, and long-running will-they-or-won’t-they plot arcs.
Though conventional wisdom has long doubted the feasibility of the so-called “platonic particle,” the possibility of its existence had previously been posited by gender theorists who argued that its actuality is required to explain the puzzling phenomenon of apparent friendliness between some gay men and lesbian women. Yesterday’s announcement provoked widespread controversy with many classical sexual theorists arguing that the findings could be explained by a measurement error that caused the researchers to mislabel a simple brother-sister particle.
Unfortunately, this debate will prove difficult to resolve, as the highly unstable particle degraded nearly instantly under the enormous pressures of sexual attraction into a particle of unrequited love doomed to collapse. In the future, scientists hope to create a more stable isotope, though it is possible that the laws governing the forces of quantum sexuality simply do not allow the creation of a stable, long-term particle of male-female friendship. Still, scientists hope that the measurements obtained from the instant in which the platonic particle existed might finally unlock the secrets of quantum sexual theory.
-MH ’20