A Win for Compromise: Instead of Performing Abortions, Scientists Have Begun Freezing the Babies and Storing Them for Later

In what is being hailed as a truly groundbreaking solution to one of the most divisive issues of our time, a group of researchers at Princeton University has pooled their collective brainpower and put the contentious abortion debate to rest by cryogenically freezing unwanted babies and storing them in massive freezers for long periods of time.

Advocates from both sides of this historically intractable issue have been effusive with their praise for the researchers.

“Who would’ve thought that all the pro-choice faction needed was an enormous number of industrial-sized freezers in a rented-out airplane hangar?” said Vanessa Stanton of Planned Parenthood. “I commend the team for their diligence, their perseverance and their willingness to think way, way, way, way outside the box.”

“Finally, the sanctity of life is preserved…at 0 degrees, in these cute little customizable metal containers!” said Edith LeVitre of National Right to Life. “I am elated that this debate has been put to rest, and I applaud the desire for compromise by literally any means necessary.”

In an official statement about her team’s breakthroughs, Professor Deanna Wyckoffe said, “All you fuckers were so busy arguing that you couldn’t see that the answer was right in front of your noses the whole goddamn time. So what did we do? We built some big-ass freezers, started making baby popsicles, and just fuckin’ stashed them in there until anyone cared to come get them out. You’re all goddamn welcome, and I will accept my Nobel Prize by mail.”

Experts believe this team’s technology could have wide-ranging domestic policy implications. Research has already begun on applying advanced refrigeration techniques to the raging debate on illegal immigration.

 

-AH ’21, illustrated by CA’21

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