Congratulations, and get ready for Princeton! With improved infrastructure and a student body more diverse than ever, it’s certainly a great time to be a Tiger. When I was here (Class of 1982 – can you believe it!), the place was also great, but not quite as great because on several occasions Samuel L. Jackson would eat my hamburger and then shoot me.
If you want to see what the future looks like, just glance over at the new Lewis Center for the Arts. Wow! Back in 1980 we had an art center, too. In fact, I often went there to design logos for a little company you guys may have heard about: Amazon.
But one thing certainly has changed for the better: when you do art now, a black-suited Samuel L Jackson doesn’t come to your studio, tell you he’s an associate of your business partner Marsellus Wallace, eat your Big Kahuna Burger and then shoot you in the shoulder.
And talk about diversity. In 1982, everyone in the computer science department was conspicuously white, male and straight. The only person I saw who didn’t fit this category was Samuel L. Jackson, who came to the lab one afternoon and whisked away the Fish Fillet Burger I had been eating. “Mmm! This is a tasty burger!” he said, before promptly putting three bullets in my body.
With a fast-growing study abroad program, Princeton is gaining a wealth of global perspectives. Students are more curious about the world around them, asking questions everywhere they go. When I was at Princeton, the only questions I heard were, “What are you having? Hamburgers?” and “You mind if I try one of yours?” and “What is this? Sprite? Mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this hamburger down?”
Many of you are nervous about the next few years. I know the feeling: back in 1982, I was strapped to a chair and asked, for the third time in my undergraduate career, “What does Marsellus Wallace look like? Does he look like a bitch? Then why you keep trying to fuck him like a bitch?”
I had really no idea what was being asked of me and, as a result, received quite a few gun-wounds to the upper body.
You will have the best four years of your life, as I did. Sure, many of my moments were tainted by run-in’s with Samuel L. Jackson. But through all this, I maintained the most essential values Princeton taught me: curiosity, a desire to help others and my great love of hamburgers. In fact, I am enjoying a Whopper Jr. right now. Mmm! What a delight! Well, anyway, I hope you appreciate– hey! What are you doing here? Wait, stop! No! Please, not again!