First and foremost, I would like to apologize to pet owners around the Princeton area for what I have done to their dogs, cats, and horses. The moment my roommate discovered novel after novel of Tom and Jerry fan fiction on my laptop, I knew my sick secret had been unearthed, and following the subsequent Daily Prince witch hunt, it was clear that I had become a pariah on campus, and rightly so. I would, however, also like to set the record straight: rumours about me being a member of College Republicans are baseless and wrong.
The moment my sexual awakening occurred, about halfway through 2008 feature film Hotel for Dogs, I knew that I was different. Every time I hugged my Marmaduke body pillow, I felt sick to the stomach in the knowledge that my thoughts were twisted and immoral. Many nights, feeling ashamed and alienated, I lay awake with these thoughts.
One thing I certainly didn’t do, however, was vote Republican last year.
Naturally, I was shocked to hear reports that I had attended meetings hosted by the College Republicans on campus. I spent my free time this year scouring Dark Web chatrooms and breaking into local stables, not discussing socially conservative talking points.
It truly is a shame that people would choose to fabricate such lies. My voting record is completely separate to my zoophilia, and false rumors about my electoral allegiances should not be spread around campus, particularly when such rumors can be very harmful to a student’s social credibility.
Thanks to this hearsay, most of my professors and peers now think I am a Republican. I will say it once again: I am a simple man who takes gratification in succumbing to the irresistible sexual magnetism of animals. I have not been and never will be a Republican.