Scandal: Princeton Eating Clubs In Trouble After Sophomore Pickups Descend into Chemical Warfare

This year’s round of eating club pickups took a turn for the early 1900s as existing members escalated their usual hijinks to things more sinister. As many of you may have been told in bedtime stories from your RCAs, when sophomores join Eating Clubs, generally they are showered in alcohol, food toppings, shaving cream, and other harmless yet messy substances at welcoming events. However, one playful decision sparked a war of escalation between eating clubs with disastrous consequences.

“We were ordering mustard for our pickups and I turned to my buddy and said, ‘Hey, what if we used mustard gas instead,’” said a spokesperson from Terrace. “He thought it was hilarious, and everyone else loved it. We’re probably on some government watchlist now, but I figure it’s Amazon’s fault for just having gallons of mustard gas available for purchase. So anyway, when the sophomores all enter for pickups, we put on our gas masks and hose them down. It was pretty funny, actually. They were so surprised, they didn’t see that coming. One of them went up to me after he got back from the hospital and said it was the craziest party he’d ever been to.”

Soon, word of the “sick rager” spread all across the school, and other eating clubs began to escalate their own pickup and initiation events to compete for the reputation of being the hippest club on the street. Quad’s “Shit That Glows” gained new fans when chlorine gas was released into the ecstatic crowd, while Colonial decided to use a paralyzing nerve agent on their sophomores to better fit their “Greek statue” theme. Reportedly, the survivors all loved the festivities, but when Charter started developing nuclear warheads, the Princeton administration began getting concerned.

“When students on your campus start committing war crimes, you start thinking about stepping in,” said President Eisgruber in a statement released a few days ago. “I think it was alright to hold back until now, but we can’t let Prospect Avenue become an irradiated crater. The effect on our marketing would be disastrous if prospective students see a vibrant social culture in the brochures and a smoking ruin in real life. And where would our students hold lawnparties if the lawns are all Chernobyled? I am halting all chemical and uranium deliveries to eating clubs, effective immediately. Furthermore, I now decree that all Eating Clubs must abide by the Geneva Convention. They have gotten away with being exempt from wartime conduct laws for too long.”


-WK ’19



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