The Sun. Ra. Helios. For millennia, humans have looked up at their own yellow star, marveled at its brilliance, felt its heat on their faces, and dreamed of someday flying a man directly into it. Now I, Elon Musk, will finally achieve that dream.
I am known around the world as a visionary. I have already created the most practical online payment system ever conceived, invented the electric automobile, and transformed a struggling local deli into the world’s leading space exploration company. Now I will put my financial resources and business acumen into my next great endeavor: killing an astronaut in the Sun.
We have always dreamed of journeying into outer space. I was a young boy when man first walked on the moon and ever since then I have wanted a part in exploring the universe. I would look up at the stars and think about what it would be like to visit one, or, more accurately, to make someone else visit one.
And now this dream is almost a reality. The SpaceX Solar Exploration Spacecraft will have no need for reentry equipment and so will be significantly lighter than a similar vessel not designed for a suicide mission. Life-support systems aboard the passenger module will be the only significant weight factor—it is imperative that the astronaut dies only when he reaches the sun and not before.
There is no need to thank me for my service to humanity. I am simply taking the next step on mankind’s journey into the cosmos. In 1961, the first man orbited the Earth. In 1969, the first man set foot on the moon. Now, in 2017, the first man will be roasted alive in the Sun.
But our work is not yet finished. There is so much more to explore! SpaceX is already preparing for our next mission: sending a family of four to starve to death on Europa.