America is a great place. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. But these days, you can’t talk about anything from the past without that revisionist know-it-all from down the hall trying to rain on your hyper-nationalist pride parade. I don’t need to hear how streaking across campus covered only with red, white, and blue paint advances the racist, culturally insensitive, heteronormative white male agenda. I’m just trying to live my life! Does freedom mean nothing anymore?
To prove just how grand America is and has always been, we’ve put together this list of neat-o times from our past, each with a “‘Merica Score” showing where in the spectrum of greatness it lies. So pack your white wonder bread sandwiches and get ready to keep up with the Joneses, because you’re about to experience near lethal doses of pure unadulterated America!
1776: The Story Begins
This was the day that started it all: freedom, democracy, capitalism, apple pie, and all you can eat Prozac specials at your local pharmacy. Before this day in history, life was nasty, brutish, and short. But then America came around, and things have been peachy ever since!!!
‘Merica Score: 11/10 (duh)
October 29, 1929
This day is so great, it has its own name: Black Tuesday! Sure, the stock market crash that kicked off the Great Depression may have happened on this day, but let’s not forget what a wonderful time Idaho resident Dave Platt had sitting at home listening to his brand new radio. All anyone ever talks about anymore is “25% unemployment” this and “bread lines” that. Dave had a great day, okay?
‘Merica Score: 7/10 (it built character)
This wasn’t really a day, but McCarthyism was pretty neat. In post-World War II America, being a communist was frowned upon (for obvious reasons #GodBlessTheFreeMarket). So like any civilized group of people, Americans started accusing each other of treason, subversion, and disloyalty. A bunch of artists and writers got blacklisted and lost their jobs, but did they ever really have jobs in the first place? Right guys? Like, we can justify this, right?
‘Merica Score: 6/10 (It wasn’t so bad if you weren’t a communist)
The Trail of Tears
The name of this one is a little unfair, isn’t it, historians? A bunch of people had to go for a long walk. So what. That’s why they were crying, right? Just cuz it was a long walk?
Wait, what do you mean a quarter of them died? Women and children too? We would never do that, right guys? Right? Because America is always the good guy?
‘Merica Score: (shaken and confused)/10
Race Relations, Vietnam, Iraq, Iranian Hostages, Dred Scott, Civil Rights, Gender Equality
-SF ‘ 20