With football tailgate season well underway, sources claim that local uncle Gary Bendenberg has been deposed from his self-proclaimed position of “King of the Grill” in a bloodless coup.
Bendenberg, known only as “Uncle Gary” to his inner circle, is notorious around the backyard for his dangerous open-flame grilling style, which has ignited much controversy during annual family gatherings over the years. It was only recently, however, that sources close to the family have reported Bendenberg misusing his power. “He would always tell me, ‘Be a man and help me out with this damn grill,’” stated 17-year-old nephew Dan. “But eventually he closed himself off to all advisers. I couldn’t even hand him a hot dog without receiving an unnerving glare in return.”
Quickly, ties within the family began to break down. “He was becoming a Grill Dictator,” said Lisa, Bendenberg’s wife of 25 years, and the leader of the rival faction within the family. “That’s when we knew we had to fight back.”
Over the past few months, hundreds of Grill Dictators with similar ideologies are believed to have emerged in backyards throughout the United States. It seemed only a matter of time before the Bendenberg family witnessed internal unrest of their own.
Bendenberg was ultimately overthrown by his mother, Miriam, who locked him in the laundry room within the official family residence. “I tried to let him down easy, because he’s a good boy,” Miriam reported. “But he just kept screaming such terrible things about revenge, so I threw away the key.”
“We are keeping a close eye on the situation,” commented Jeh Johnson, United States Secretary of Homeland Security. “Obviously we’d like to avoid bringing in the National Guard at all costs, but the fact of the matter is that this is an insurgency, and we’ll have to do what is necessary to ensure the safety of all Americans at home.”
AFTER PRESS TIME: We are now learning that Bendenberg has been reinstated into power, as the family was in fact quite hungry and no one else knew how to start the grill. Reportedly, this has created an awkward family state of affairs. The Princeton Tiger is monitoring the situation closely on the ground.
-JS ’19, illustrated by KG ’19