Five Places in America To Visit If You Really Have Nothing Better To Do

Couple driving convertible car in countryside, waving arms, rear view

Dorney Park and Wildwater Kingdom, Allentown PA

This fairly run-of-the-mill theme park in eastern Pennsylvania is probably good for a moderately amusing afternoon. It’s Peanuts-themed, which is kind of fun, though most of the rides are pretty standard. Admission to the waterpark is included with your ticket, which could be fun if you’re into that sort of thing. Six Flags Great Adventure is probably a superior theme park and isn’t too far away, but I suppose if you really have nothing better to do, you could go ahead and visit Dorney Park.

The Hinkle Family Fun Center, Albuquerque NM

Continuously owned and operated by the Hinkle family since 1994, this miniature golf course and arcade could, I suppose, be somewhat entertaining for someone with twelve bucks and an afternoon to spare. Miniature golf connoisseurs described the course as “not particularly noteworthy”, so I’m pretty sure you could think of something better to do in Albuquerque. If there’s nothing good on TV and you’re not into books, I suppose you could try out this miniature golf course.

Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Times Square, New York, NY

There are about a million and a half interesting things to do in Manhattan, so it seems very unlikely that you would be standing in the middle of Times Square with absolutely nothing better to do than visit this garbage museum. You could tour the Met, or walk through Central Park, or go to The New York Public Library and read a book for once. Anyway, at Ripley’s you pay thirty dollars at the door to see some shrunken heads and other bullshit. If somehow you really can’t think of anything better to do in New York City, I guess you could go to Ripley’s Believe It or Not!

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back, Theaters Everywhere

To be perfectly honest, I’m having trouble believing you don’t have anything better to do than seeing this movie. Even if somehow you eliminate every option that doesn’t include watching Tom Cruise kick the shit out of random people onscreen, you could just watch the first Jack Reacher again, or the new Mission Impossible, or that groundhog day one, but with aliens. All are better uses of your time than this turd of a film. You could even do something actually worthwhile with your afternoon, like call your mom, or go for a jog, or read a goddam book. If, somehow, you really, truly believe that you have nothing better to do than seeing this objectively dumb movie, there’s a showing at seven thirty at the Cinema DeLux in Glasgow, Kentucky.

Nativity Museum and Replica of Bethlehem’s Cave, Akron OH

Assuming you’re stuck in the state of Ohio visiting family or something, there’s probably not much better to do than checking out whatever the hell this is. Go for it.


-DLG ’18

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