Our national parks have been a source of American pride for decades, a symbol of our love for our land. And if you’ve ever actually been to one, you also know they’re complete garbage. That’s right: we can all finally stop pretending that some sequoia trees or the Grand Canyon is anything special. The parks are supposed to represent quintessential America, yet all we get are boring waterfalls, too much walking, and dickhead park rangers who think they can tell you where to pee and what parts of the wilderness you aren’t allowed to set on fire. It’s time we had parks that truly reflect what our great country is all about, and I have thought up a list of new national parks that do just that.
- Possum Hovel National Park: The towering cliff faces and stony peaks of Yosemite are all well and good, but Ansel Adams must’ve been fucking delirious if he thought we’d want to keep looking at that shit for more than fifteen minutes. Instead of pretentious rock formations, we should celebrate a simpler beauty: the humble possum hovel. The kind, homely opossum is far more charming than whatever big dumb rocks Yosemite is famous for, and nothing captures the American spirit quite like the nests of our nation’s most beloved trashcan dweller.
- Wilbur’s Wet ‘n’ Wild Waterslide World: Without a doubt, the national parks are severely lacking the “fun” that usually goes with “park.” I don’t know who thought a place called Death Valley would make a better national park than Wilbur’s Wet ‘n’ Wild Waterslide World, but apparently the U.S. government would prefer a wasteland over the most hydrating and family-friendly place on earth. One ride on the Rootin’-Tootin’ Riptide Rollercoaster fills me with a joy that no shitty sand dune has ever been able to give me, and we can all agree that Wilbur’s all-you-can-eat saloon-themed buffet alone contains more American values than some filthy desert.
- Gary, Indiana: Fuck the wild wolf populations in Yellowstone, because the city of Gary was a set location for the masterpiece film Transformers: Dark of the Moon, which is infinitely cooler. Although this town has been consistently described as “raccoon-haven, human-hell” and “a serial killer’s playground” on Yelp, what remains of it is a red-blooded American treasure. Over a third of the houses have been abandoned, creating a quaint and nostalgic atmosphere that makes it a perfect candidate for a historic national park. Surely, no land is more worth preserving than a town that appeared in the best movie of the 21st century, directed by cinematic genius and dashing handsome-man Michael Bay.
- Gary, my Grandpa: Adding another exceptional Gary to the list, I truly believe that no one embodies the American spirit like my grandfather. Not only did he serve in WWII as a naval kitchen boy, but he also has a collection of over 5,000 U.S. postal stamps with planes on them. He loves to talk about boats, is only mildly racist, and has never smoked a single cigarette. Although he is now 92 and may only be able to be a national park for a short time, I think he is the only man I can confidently call a patriot. My request to make his nursing home visiting hours open 24/7 to the public has yet to be approved, but in the mean time please feel free to write him letters addressing him as “Our Cherished National Park, Gary J. Norman.” That would really cheer him up.
- The Statue of Liberty: I was appalled to learn that the Statue of Liberty is not, in fact, a national park. The government made a lot of mistakes with this park business, but this one was truly the last goddamn straw. Nature gave us a giant rock that looks just like our Lady Liberty, but somehow not one person thought it would make a good monument to our country. We made national parks out of a bunch of bullshit forests and some place literally named the Badlands, but the nation’s favorite big green freedom woman isn’t considered worthy of a national park title? Teddy Roosevelt must be rolling in his grave.