It is the Burger King
Strange traveler, I warn you
Ahead lies only sizzling destruction
The crackling voice of Temptation
seduces those who brave the drive-thru line
Ruin and terror await
behind glass double doors
I beg of you,
Do not venture to the Burger King
I see that you are brave and strong, oh traveler!
Your proud stead, your steady lance
Your armour which blazes in the sun!
But your steel and courage are no match
For the infernal sorcery of the Burger King.
The armies of the Burger King are multitudinous
Frozen, they lie in icy wait
A Whopper™ is a dangerous foe
But can you face a thousand?
What of the abominable BBQ Bacon Double Cheeseburger?
Or the quick and cunning Whopper Jr™ with Cheese?
Will your shield hold steady
Against the dreaded Chicken Honey Mustard Tendercrisp™?
Even if you defeat the armies of burgers, what then?
You will face the most powerful foe of all
The ghastly Burger King
Do not be tricked!
The King of Burgers is blind
And hears naught
But your sharp sword will crumple
Against his chitinous beard
He will fix you with his lifeless eyes
What is already dead cannot die
The King of Burgers will seize your throat
And crush your glorious armour
He will unleash his most monstrous weapon
The unholy BK Big Fish™
Your shield will fall from your paralyzed arms
You will choke; vomiting does no good
Blood will pour from your eyes
It is a slow and terrible death
No mortal can withstand the BK Big Fish™
So I warn you, traveler
Turn back now!
Do not storm the automatic doors!
Do not confront the armies of Burgers!
Do not face the Burger King!
But, I see you do not heed my dire message
Your bright, plumed crest
disappears into the parking lot
Your swinging mace
Dents a Honda Fit™
Strange traveler, you are brave indeed
So gallant and so foolish
Godspeed, fair Knight, and beware!
What you face is not of this world
It is pure evil, served hot and fresh
An abomination with a side of fries,
The antichrist on a sesame seed bun,
It is the Burger King.
-DLG ’18, illustrated by CM ’18