It is the Burger King


It is the Burger King

Strange traveler, I warn you

Ahead lies only sizzling destruction

The crackling voice of Temptation

seduces those who brave the drive-thru line

Ruin and terror await

behind glass double doors

I beg of you,

Do not venture to the Burger King


I see that you are brave and strong, oh traveler!

Your proud stead, your steady lance

Your armour which blazes in the sun!

But your steel and courage are no match

For the infernal sorcery of the Burger King.


The armies of the Burger King are multitudinous

Frozen, they lie in icy wait

A Whopper™ is a dangerous foe

But can you face a thousand?

What of the abominable BBQ Bacon Double Cheeseburger?

Or the quick and cunning Whopper Jr™ with Cheese?

Will your shield hold steady

Against the dreaded Chicken Honey Mustard Tendercrisp™?


Even if you defeat the armies of burgers, what then?

You will face the most powerful foe of all

The ghastly Burger King

Do not be tricked!

The King of Burgers is blind

And hears naught

But your sharp sword will crumple

Against his chitinous beard

He will fix you with his lifeless eyes

What is already dead cannot die


The King of Burgers will seize your throat

And crush your glorious armour

He will unleash his most monstrous weapon

The unholy BK Big Fish™

Your shield will fall from your paralyzed arms

You will choke; vomiting does no good

Blood will pour from your eyes

It is a slow and terrible death

No mortal can withstand the BK Big Fish™


So I warn you, traveler

Turn back now!

Do not storm the automatic doors!

Do not confront the armies of Burgers!

Do not face the Burger King!


But, I see you do not heed my dire message

Your bright, plumed crest

disappears into the parking lot

Your swinging mace

Dents a Honda Fit™

Strange traveler, you are brave indeed

So gallant and so foolish

Godspeed, fair Knight, and beware!

What you face is not of this world

It is pure evil, served hot and fresh

An abomination with a side of fries,

The antichrist on a sesame seed bun,

It is the Burger King.


-DLG ’18, illustrated by CM ’18

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