How to Talk Like an American

US conversations

Howdy, my fellow internationals. As immigrants in America, we seek to acclimatise as well as possible in the land of the free (firearm with every purchase above $10), and with a Trump presidency, I feel now is as good a time as any for a foreigner like myself to impart wisdom on how to deal with conversations like an American, in order to avoid the inevitable mass deportation.

Talking About the Weather

Native born US-ian: Hot day out there isn’t it, my fellow American friend?

You: Yes Chad (if in doubt of a native born’s name, it is common practice to simply assume ‘Chad’, as this is the most popular name in US history), not quite as hot as it is in Iraq, however. I hate that country and their lack of daytime game show programming.

 

Talking About Popular Culture

Native-born: Hey dude, did you watch Game of Thrones last night?

You: I am afraid I missed that popular show. I was too busy placing assorted petals at the foot of my shrine to American cultural icon and patriot, Drew Carey.

 

Reacting to News of Another School Shooting

Native-born: Oh man, did you hear about that mass shooting in [insert any US county or city. Any will do].

You: I did yes. I saw it on a news channel we watch such as CNN. Guns can shoot things, which is good.

 

Asking Out an American Girl

You: Hey Madison [see ‘Chad’-above] would you like to go to the Dave Matthews concert this week?

Native-born: Of course I would! Dave Matthews is the songbird of the American heartland.

You: I will pick you up in my pickup truck.

 

‘Hooking Up With’ an American Girl

It is an American custom to ask a girl to the local ‘lookout point’ where you will attempt to get her to take off her petticoat. In Princeton, such locations include the middle of Poe Field, the Dinky railway track or the roof of President Eisgruber’s house. Should said girl accept your advances, you must not go any further unless you exclaim “Touchdown!” while pumping your fist in the air (or alternatively, thrust upward and whisper “Schwing”). When finished, make sure to take note of what ‘base’ you made it to:

First base: A kiss behind the wheel of a Ford motor vehicle

Second base: A successful duet to any songs from Bon Jovi’s Greatest Hits

Third base: Making love so passionately that your partner begins to call you Uncle Sam

Home run: Marriage that ensures your American citizenship status

I hope that now we internationals are suitably prepared to traverse this foreign American culture like a true US citizen. Goodbye, and as Americans say, “see you later, Alligator.”
-BC ’20, illustrated by LB ’17

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