Changes Trump Has Made to the White House


President Trump has made quite a few changes to the White House to bring it up to his standards. Through our network of top secret connections, we here at the Tiger have managed to get a copy of the list that Melania made for the staff. Here’s what 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue changed to meet the needs of the Donald:

  • Remove ethnic foods – hummus, oregano, Doritos, etc. – from kitchen facilities.
  • Scrape off fruity woodwork from White House Elevator. Replace with shag carpet. 
  • Hide any and all pictures of or including Senator John McCain.
  • Fill pool with thin broth of crocodile tears and the amniotic fluid from aborted fetuses – Mike says he drinks it twice a day “to absorb its power.”
  • Update television package so that it includes Russian Premier League soccer. 
  • Install golden shower. I mean a shower made of gold. Like with golden taps and tiles, and three different speeds. Oh, and have it spray urine instead of water.
  • Convert solar panels into lunar panels to show those religious nuts we have a spiritual side.
  • Install locker room (for talking).
  • Fire all gardeners. Replace with Rick Perry.
  • Fire all bodyguards. Replace with Ben Carson.
  • Burn all ottomans. Replace with Chris Christie.
  • Restock presidential library with the two greatest written works – The Art of the Deal and the shooting screenplay to Alvin and the Chipmun
    s 3: Chipwrecked.
  • I don’t know what a Vermeil Room is, but get rid of it. 
  • Raise price of tours from free to more than that. 
  • Order the movie theater to play only the historical drama White House Down. We need to learn from the mistakes we made in the past. 
  • Paint over that tacky white exterior with a good, old-fashioned gold.
  • Set up two-way mirror in Ivanka’s bathroom.
  • Smash all china in China Room.
  • Rename China Room the America Room.
  • Order official plaque that says America Room. 
  • Replace it with larger plaque that says America Room.
  • Remove all but one chair from family dining room. 
  • Restock presidential golfing gloves, size XS.
  • Clean the gutters.


-PS ’19

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