New Evidence Suggests The Native Americans Had Dibs

DIBS1

WASHINGTON—Leading historians from the Smithsonian Institute revealed Tuesday that new evidence has emerged suggesting that the Native Americans had previously called dibs on the land now comprising much of the continental United States.

“Based on a modern translation of a treaty signed between the original Colonies and the Cherokee Nation, we can say with near certainty that the Native Americans did in fact call dibs and that the dibs may have been called as early as 1784,” said James Finley, lead researcher for the study. “It appears that the original version of the treaty was mistranslated to say that the Native Americans were calling shotgun, which of course would be nonsensical in the context of a territory negotiation treaty. But with the new translation, we can see that they were unequivocally announcing dibs.”

President Obama moved quickly to respond to the Smithsonian’s announcement, issuing a formal apology on behalf of the U.S. government in an impromptu speech from the White House. “It goes without saying that violating the dibs of a sovereign power is against everything that this nation stands for,” said Obama, speaking directly from the Oval Office. “I would like to deeply apologize to the Native American peoples for the past actions of the U.S. government, which we now know systematically deprived them of what was rightfully theirs by the rules of dibs.”

Obama went on to promise that adequate changes would be made to the nation’s education system to ensure that all Americans will be able to confront the country’s long history of disenfranchising people of their dibs. “There can be no whitewashing of the historical narrative. The American people must know about the unforgivable displacement and abuse the Native Americans experienced at the hands of U.S. government, all of which occurred while their dibs was in full effect.”

A follow-up statement from the White House clarified that this revelation would likely invalidate the fives Mexico had placed on large portions of the southwestern United States.

 

-MA ’19, illustrated by KG ’19

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