America was left reeling this week as presidential candidate and kooky neighborhood bird-scarer Gary Johnson took to the stage in Albuquerque, New Mexico and silenced his numerous critics in a single miraculous act.
With his fiancé Kate proudly beaming behind him, Johnson addressed the gathered media, “I feel that criticism completely ruling me out of this race, saying a win is impossible, is hurtful and just plain wrong,” he bellowed, “and so I ask you: is anything really impossible for a man who can do this?”
The presidential candidate proceeded to usher himself performance space on stage, and, with all the virtuosity of an elderly man violently tapping at an iPhone screen, Gary Johnson detached the thumb from his right hand.
As if this wasn’t enough to render the crowd speechless, he reattached and amputated his thumb between three and five times, with each movement of the member drawing simultaneous cries of “It’s a miracle!” and “Someone get this man an ambulance!” from the media pit. Without a further word, Gary Johnson left the stage.
Politico surveys have since revealed that Johnson is now polling above both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, while it has also emerged that Johnson’s favorability rating now eclipses those of almost every major world leader. However, when reached for comment, Johnson appeared to simulate static interference and announced he’d have to end the call, despite being asked the question in person.