A warm welcome to our new students. For many of you, this is a time of transition, and I’m sure you’ve been bombarded by a whole lot of new information. One of the most notable subjects of this new information is that of the Honor Committee and the Honor Code. Many of you may be thinking, “what exactly is the Honor Committee?” Well, there is no better way to introduce you to them than to expose the extensive conspiracy running through the very heart of their organization.
Let’s begin with the Honor Committee’s Constitution, Article I, section A, which reads, “The Honor Committee consists of twelve members who will represent the student body and address all suspected violations of the Honor Code.” Now this is very interesting. There are twelve members. Twelve, just like the Twelve Apostles of Jesus. And Jesus, as we all know, was a carpenter. Carpentry may not be offered at Princeton University, but if you rearrange the letters of the word “carpentry” you get “narc e-tray”. A “narc” is slang among drug cartels for a federal agent trying to bust their drug operation. An “e-tray” is a simulation of an email inbox for training purposes. So, putting the pieces together, we can conclude that the complete phrase “narc e-tray” is an email simulation for federal drug-busting agents to practice their hacking skills and check the emails of their targets, and computer science is, in fact, a major offered at Princeton University. We’re coming quite close to uncovering a real secret here, but we’re missing a few pieces. Let’s move on to the next section.
Section B, subsection 1, says, “the members of this Committee will be the presidents of the sophomore and junior classes, former sophomore and junior class presidents, a member of the freshman class, and members to be appointed from the student body at large until the Committee consists of twelve members.” Again, adherence to the number twelve. Suspicious that they would make such a conscious effort to stay so strict to the Apostolic structure. And why “former” sophomore and junior class presidents? Could it be that they have come too close to the truth, and the Committee needs to keep them close in order to keep their mouths shut? There is a conspicuous absence of seniors. Seniors. Like senior citizens, a colloquialism usually referring to “old people.” Old people, or “differently aged Americans,” as they prefer to be called, have a tendency to die, often before they can expose what they know about “the Man”. What if Princeton senior students are no different? They say that they graduate, but how can we be sure? There’s no way to contact them after they leave, no way at all, don’t even check. Perhaps the seniors are assassinated before they can expose the Honor Committee’s twisted secrets?
Subsection 2 is split into four sub-subsections, which is a lot. But look at the number, four. And this is the third section in the Constitution. Four times three is twelve. Everything is coming back to twelve. But why? Twelve has six letters. “Six” sounds like “sex” if you say it wrong, and sex is the creation of new life, by the act of getting down and dirty. The creation of all life – not just one useless, stupid baby, or maybe two babies at once, or three at once, or eight babies if you’re a cheater who injects eggs instead of letting them divide naturally – happened in the Book of Genesis in the Old Testament. “Book of Genesis.” If you rearrange some of those letters and forget about the rest, you get “Goof.” As in “Goof Troop.” “Goof Troop” is an animated series by Disney about cartoon character Goofy and his family. Disney also created Tron, as well as its sequel, Tron Legacy, about evil computer programs who wanted to take over Earth. I think we have what we need.
So the Honor Committee is a group of DEA agents in training who are using their computer hacking skills to create life inside a computer program to hide inside the emails of drug cartel operatives and attack them. With cyberspace. And they kill off their members who know about the project to maintain complete secrecy. Dearest readers, this is huge. And now everyone knows it. But this makes me a target. They’ll probably try to discredit me first, maybe by taking this article and putting it in a humor magazine or something, but the truth has to get out there. If I somehow disappear from the school, be it this year, or in a few years, you’ll know what happened to me. Anyway, welcome to Princeton, class of 2020! Study hard, make friends, never tell anyone what I told you here or else you too might become a target, and most importantly of all, have fun!