University administrators were shocked to learn Tuesday, that piece-of-shit freshman Jeremy Barton had not yet managed to find his own unique niche in Princeton campus life despite having been here a whopping two weeks.
“Honestly, we made a mistake in accepting this worthless asshole,” stated Dean of Admissions Janet Rapelye in an interview Wednesday morning. “I try to be understanding, but Jesus fucking Christ, it’s practically October! At this point, if he still hasn’t found his core group friends, joined at least four extracurriculars, and picked his major, then this guy doesn’t deserve to call himself a Princetonian.”
Butler College Dean of Student Life Alexis Andres voiced similar sentiments. “Jeremy is definitely the only freshman who still hasn’t found his place in this campus, probably because he’s a giant loser. If he can’t adjust to a completely new environment and create a fulfilling academic, extracurricular, and social life within ten days, then he’s definitely a complete failure. My only advice for him would be to stalk his high school friends’ pictures on Facebook to see how much fun they’re having at other colleges without him.”
Waste-of-space, Jeremy Barton seemed unable to explain his inability to integrate into campus life. “I’m really trying my best to make friends and figure this place out. I’m not such a big fan of my OA and Zee groups and those seem to be the only people hanging out at this point. I went to the activities fair and I’ve been going to some different club meetings, but I don’t know which ones I’m want to join yet. Also, would everyone please stop asking me about my major? I just don’t know, okay!”
“Jeremy has failed, but in a way so have I,” said Jeremy’s RCA, Sarah Burnstein. “It was due to my own hubris that I thought I could help a doofus like Jeremy succeed here at Princeton. How foolish I was! This freshman was, and always will be, a worthless goddam cretin.”
“I accept complete responsibility for allowing this fucking dipshit to set foot on our campus,” stated Dean Rapelye in University-wide letter sent Wednesday. “This human dumpster-fire should not have been allowed anywhere near Princeton University.”
President Eisgruber hosted an address in the University Chapel on Thursday to discuss confirmed shithead, Jeremy Barton’s unprecedented failure as a Princeton student. “It’s times like these when have to come together as a campus, except Jeremy of course. Now Jeremy, if you’re out there, I’d like to say that absolutely no one else at this university is still trying find his or her place like you are. You should definitely feel really sad and lonely because there is no way things are going to get any better for you at Princeton. We can’t technically expel you, but if you would just leave forever, that would be great.”
-AG’18