Student Accepts Finance Internship, Sells Soul to Satan

Dollarphotoclub_85680319-1940x1039

Princeton sophomore Lydia Emerson was just about to give up any hope of finding a summer internship when she got the glorious news: she had been selected for a highly coveted position at private equity firm Belial, Beelzebub & Lucifer Capital Partners. She was starting to worry that she would have to resort to working at her father’s hedge fund; instead, she said, “I get to have the best job of all: working for Satan.”

As one of BBL’s newest analysts/minions, Emerson will work directly under CEO Satan for ten weeks this summer. Along with the other ambitious students who were selected, she will get to see how the big-name demons in the financial services industry wreak havoc on the earth. The internship program focuses on training the new minions in the art of leading the innocent astray, robbing people of eternal life, and developing quantitative financial models for optimizing portfolio investments.

The chance to work at the hottest private equity firm on Wall Street drew an immense applicant pool; thus, the interview process was quite rigorous. According to BBL’s website, the firm looks for candidates with strong analytical skills, mastery of Microsoft Excel, and talent for harvesting the souls of the unborn.

Emerson says she was initially intimidated by the competitiveness of the job and Satan’s prominent reputation, but was able to impress her interviewer when she told him about her experience in statistical modeling and her diagnosis as a sociopath in middle school. “I think he really respected my honesty, and blatant disregard for anything that didn’t involve personal gain,” she hypothesized. It clearly worked, for two weeks later she got the news that she was hired. Satan delivered the message with a personal touch, extending the offer to Emerson by possessing the body of her roommate. She accepted on the spot, renouncing God and signing away her soul.

Emerson says she is excited to spend the summer at BBL’s modern new office in Hell. They are located underground, just below Wall Street in the heart of the Financial District, and are easily accessible from other firms like Goldman Sachs and J.P. Morgan via a brief moral descent.

When asked how she felt about having to sell her soul for the opportunity, Emerson said it was a sacrifice she was willing to make. “All the benefits I’ll receive made it worth it,” she said. “I know that I can live a fulfilling life without a soul. I am an ORFE major, after all.”

-KD’19

The Princeton Tiger © 2017 All Rights Reserved

Mildly literate comedy since 1882

Designed by WPSHOWER

Powered by WordPress