Enough is enough! I’m just about fed up with dating in the gay community! I seem to get led on and then shut down by one guy after the next. It’s always the same story. I show up at the gay bar with a couple of my friends, order a drink, and start chatting with the cute guy next to me. I know I’m pulling all the right moves. I laugh at all his jokes, look in his eyes, and then lightly finger his collar. I’ll lean in just a little too close so he knows I’m into him. We’ll be hitting it off beautifully. But then, as if on cue, it goes wrong right around the time I mention that I’m a completely heterosexual, not-gay man.
Is there something wrong with me that I don’t realize? My friends on the swim team tell me that I’m funny, nice, and, honestly, pretty darn attractive. So why can’t I hook up with any gay men? It doesn’t make any sense.
Last week was a perfect example. I went to this awesome gay club with a few of my college friends (it’s called Manhole, definitely check it out) and met this smoking hot Colombian dude. Pretty soon one thing led to another and we were in a cab heading back to his place. I thought we were going to hook up for sure. But something seemed to happen right around the time I said something like, “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m totally not gay. In fact, I’m completely straight.”
Can you believe what he did next? The guy had had the nerve to stop the cab and get out! I couldn’t believe it! It’s things like this that have made me start to feel like the gay community has something against straight men. Heterosexual dudes can be attractive too, guys! All I’m trying to do is pound some gay man-butt.
Am I really that unusual? I am a completely heterosexual, not-even-a-little-bit-queer man. I really don’t understand what people seem to find so confusing about this. This is the twenty-first century! It’s time for society to stop deciding who people can have sex with based only on their sexual orientation. The heart wants what it wants! In my case, my one-hundred percent straight, not-at-all-gay heart just wants fit, naked men.
The whole thing seems discriminatory and completely unfair! Why should gay dudes be the only ones to get all the man-on-man action? Straight guys are like a veritable undiscovered oil field. Come on gay dudes, you know how to drill!
The whole thing has gotten me terribly frustrated and upset. Is there really something so wrong with not being gay? Honestly, I’m so fed up that I might have to give up dating in the gay community altogether. I guess I’ll just stick to fucking the other straight guys on my swim team.
–DLG ’18