Los Angeles— Ever since Leonardo DiCaprio won his first Academy Award for his performance in Alejandro González Iñárritu’s The Revenant, rumors have circulated that the well-known actor and philanthropist might finally succeed in losing his virginity.
Known for his portrayals of charismatic, handsome protagonists in features such as Titanic, Inception, and Blood Diamond, the 41 year-old actor has openly admitted to his lack of a single intimate encounter with another human being.
Although having dated a succession of beauties over the years, including actress Blake Lively, Sports Illustrated Model Kelly Rohrback, and supermodel Bar Rafaeli, the actor made clear that he had not succeeded in making love to a single one of them.
“Back in 2005, I kissed Gisele Bundchen on the cheek after we had been dating for close to five years. I think she was alright with it, but I kinda got the sense she didn’t want to go any further. I understood; there’s no need to rush things.”
Asked about her ten-month-long relationship with DiCaprio, Victoria’s Secret Model Erin Heatherton explained her reasons for never sleeping with the well-respected actor and cultural icon. “Leo was a great guy. I just never felt like the moment was right to have sex. Something was missing, you know?”
Asked about his future prospects of finally having sex, Leonardo Dicaprio seemed cautiously optimistic. “I think part of the whole ‘virginity thing’ might have been that I didn’t have an Oscar. My dad always told me that good looks, money, intelligence, and charm just don’t cut it. The only way to truly please a woman is to win an Academy Award.”
Heatherton seemed less positive. “I think I speak for most women when I say the only thing that really gets me going is a whole shelf of Academy Awards. Just having one is almost worse than having no awards at all. Daniel Day-Lewis has three Oscars. I’d fuck the shit out of him in a heartbeat.”
DiCaprio, legendary film star and fourty-one year-old virgin, has still not fallen into despair. “I called about twelve different women I knew to go with me to my Oscar afterparty, but they all said they had to catch up on Gossip Girl or something. Is that show even on anymore? I ended up having to take my mom, though she said not to hug her in front of the other guests.”
Leo has not faired much better in the past few weeks. “I did go out to dinner with Kelly Rohrbach, who I’m dating right now, according to my publicist. She actually ended up spending most of the meal in the ladies room with the friend that she brought along. I tried to show her my new Oscar trophy before dessert, but she told me to put it away. She said I was embarrassing myself.”
Despite all that seems stacked against him, the renowned actor still believes that he will one day make love with a woman. “It’s only a matter of time now. I swam in a frozen river and ate a raw buffalo liver for this Oscar. If that doesn’t get me laid, nothing will.”
-DLG’18