I just don’t get women. They love to talk about how much they want to meet a nice guy who’ll treat them right, but when it comes to who they actually date, they go for the jocks and the douches. As a kind, down-to-earth guy who can’t seem to catch a break in today’s dating scene, I can’t help but feel frustrated as I watch girl after girl turn me down to go out with Johnny Football. It’s just baffling to me–why won’t any girl go out with a nice, decent, respectful guy who happens to have krazy glued both of his hands to his face?
Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of self-examination to try and figure out why I never get lucky. Could it be that I’m too nice? Are girls intimidated by my refined, respectful manner? Or could it have something to do with the fact that I accidentally affixed both of my hands to my face with industrial-strength Krazy Glue and have yet to remedy this situation? I suppose it could be any of these.
Allow me to provide a bit of context for my situation. A few weeks ago, I was pursuing my passion for model airplanes by constructing a small model of a Falcon 900EX jet aircraft, using Krazy Glue to attach the pieces of the model together. Unfortunately, just as I was about to glue the rudder to the vertical yaw stabilizer, my roommate entered my workspace and told me about the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair scandal, of which I had previously been unaware. I was so shocked to learn of former President Clinton’s sexual deviancy that I dropped my jaw and slapped my hands against the sides of my face à la the poster for the popular film Home Alone. By the time I remembered that my hands had Krazy Glue on them, it was too late.
Of course, I understand why some girls might be hesitant to go out with a guy like me. Dinner and a movie with me might not always be “normal” for 21st century dating. For instance, when the check comes, I will always insist on paying for the meal. Sorry for believing in chivalry. Also, my date will have to feed me from her knife and fork, for, to reiterate, I have rendered both of my hands completely useless by attaching them to the sides of my face with extra-strength Krazy-brand industrial adhesive.
To tell you the truth, when I first glued my hands to my face, I thought it would be an asset for me in the dating world. It actually makes for a pretty good story, something I think any girl would enjoy hearing over dinner–that is, if she’d actually accept my invitation to dinner in the first place. I figured girls might be curious about how tough it’s been for me since the glue incident. For instance, last sunday I made a disastrous attempt to bake a three cheese souffle using only my elbows. Also, I can no longer play table tennis particularly well. I figured either of these experiences would make excellent fodder for romantic dinner conversations–but no. I guess most girls would rather hear about last night’s college basketball game than the real, human struggles of an honest man just trying to get by.
So, for me, dating hasn’t been easy. But at the end of the day, I’m confident that someday I’ll find a girl who will accept me for who I am. Although the fact that, since I started writing this piece, I somehow managed to glue both of my feet to an HP Wireless Pro Inkjet Printer might make the search take a little longer.
— MF ’19