The Kama Sutra of Extremely Average Sex

tripping over pants (kama sutra)

The “Tripping While Removing Your Pants” 

The lover removes their leg garments, stumbling slightly in the process. If they fall flat on their face, performing the act of “eating shit”, they may feign to their partner that this was intentional and begin doing a ritual set of twenty push-ups in order to mask the extraordinary clumsiness displayed before their lover.

The “Oh God, Do I Leave My Socks on Or Do I Take Them Off?”

Once the two partners have reached the stage of foreplay, one may notice that their cloth foot coverings are still very much on. At this point, the partner wearing the socks will either uncomfortably interrupt the sensual embrace to reach back and pull each one off individually, or try and fail to nudge a sock off of one foot with the other foot, resulting in a single sock hanging halfway off. Alternatively, the partner may continue through the foreplay stage and the act of making love with both socks on, distracted for the duration by excruciating uncertainty over whether they should have just removed them earlier.

The “Fuck, Do You Have a Condom?”

In the intense and highly erotic moments immediately before intercourse, it is critical for both lovers to remain stimulated. To make sure this is the case, one partner must arise from the bed and frantically search around the room for a box of latex penis coverings. The excitement of the search itself will leave both paramours breathless, ready to take the next step on their journey toward mediocre erotic bliss.

kama sutra

The “Hold On, I’m Falling off the Bed”

During the act of copulation, one partner may edge themselves further and further to the edge of their lovemaking surface. To enhance their physical stimulation, they may then begin to partially fall from the mattress, shouting and forcing their lover to scoot over. From there, they may either continue the act or decide that they are no longer in the mood and go to bed, leaving the other partner to explore their own sensual desires independently.

The “Stop, Ow, Ow, Ow, I Have a Cramp”

When nearing the end of a beautifully average session of coitus, two partners who wish to work more exotic positions into their intercourse may attempt a configuration other than missionary. These may include advanced contortions taken from the pages of WikiHow or Cosmopolitan Magazine, involving complex leg motions and sophisticated cushion placements. One lover will then extend their leg or hip vastly past their range of motion and feel agonizing muscle spasms, screaming out in ecstasy, “Stop, ow, ow, ow, cramp, cramp, cramp. Ow.” This is to be expected as a natural part of the lovemaking ritual.

The “I…I Think It Broke”

In the warm afterglow of an incredibly middling sexual encounter, the lover may remove their latex penis covering abruptly to inspect it, having sensed a rupture in the moment. In a panic, the lover then informs their partner “I–Sarah, I think it broke.” To this, the partner opposite them may reply “What?” or “I’m sure it’s fine” and then enter a deep, peaceful slumber.

Kama Sutra- it's a boy!

The “Brad…I’m Pregnant”

Two months after the superbly run-of-the mill sexual encounter, the partner may call their counterpart over the phone to inform them that they missed their monthly cycle of the moon and took a test that revealed that they are in fact with child. This is met with silence, fear, and disbelief by the paramour.

The “Actually, I’m Keeping It”

The partner informs their better half that they have decided to give birth to the product of their average night of sensuous experimentation. Despite protest, the partner then tells them that they are raising the child on their own and they do not need a deadbeat loser like Brad hanging around anyway, goddammit.

The “Congratulations, Ms. O’Connor, It’s a Boy”

The lover receives the creation of their night of intensely normal intercourse from the hands of the doctor and looks upon it with eyes filled with warm maternal love.

The “First Day of School”

The partner, now one with themselves, sees the invention of their sexual desire walk up the pathway to Harding Elementary and waits thirty minutes before driving away, fear, joy, and pride all running into one another like streams into the mighty flow of a river.

prouddad

The “Immense Satisfaction of Seeing Your Only Son Graduate High School on a Clear Summer Day, a Single Tear Dripping Down Your Cheek as You Reflect On How You Never Thought You’d Both Make it This Far”

The lover takes their son into a warm embrace, looking up at the sunlight radiating from the periwinkle sky. They remember the moments of doubt they had along the way—the moments where they realized what it meant to be alone, truly alone—and feel thankful. They do not know to whom or what, but they feel a profound sense of gratitude. A single drop of saltwater cascades down the now-weathered profile of their face, carrying with it all the anxiety, the pain, the ambiguity that plagued them until this point. Brad is nothing but a distant memory now, an illegible smudge on the rich tapestry of their life. They feel, more than ever before, that they are ready to let go.

-MWG ’16

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