Can’t find the right guy? Tired of being alone? Take matters into your own hands and whip up a man that’ll never leave you with this easy recipe.
Ingredients
1 corpse (a recently deceased male is best,
but any corpse will do in a pinch)
3 cups of rose petals
½ cup melted chocolate
1 cup of your tears
2 strands of the corpse’s hair
¼ cup of your own blood
2 cups of protein powder
4 prayers to Satan
1. Preheat flames to 5,000˚.
2. Cover a stone slab with wax paper and lay out the corpse.
3. Once the flames are going, combine rose petals, chocolate, tears, and strands of hair in a medium cauldron. Stir the mixture and bring to a boil.
4. Use a kitchen knife to make a small slit on your wrist; allow approximately ¼ cup of your blood to pour into the cauldron. Be careful to avoid the arteries!
5. Add about 2 tablespoons of protein powder to the cauldron. Sprinkle the remainder around the cauldron in the shape of pentagrams.
6. The mixture should begin bubbling profusely and turning a bright shade of green. At this point, say your prayers to Satan. A good way to start is with “Prince of Darkness, I pledge my soul to you for all eternity…”
7. As you are finishing your final prayer, the corpse should begin to rise and regain life. When it stands and the rotting flesh starts to fall away, you know it is done.
8. Embrace your new reanimated corpse-boyfriend. You sold your soul for this, so enjoy!
This simple recipe is a great way to ensure that you and your boyfriend will be together forever; Satan always keeps his promises. You may face eternal damnation for this deal with the devil, but at least you will have a devoted boyfriend to keep you company in the fiery depths of hell.The rest of eternity together awaits!
-KD’19