Fellow Countrymen,
As General Washington’s troops press on towards Yorktown, King George’s tyranny grows less certain every day. Yet, it behooves us to remember that the driving forces behind any revolution are the stable family units that feed and clothe our men. Be your relationship in shambles? Read on and discover how you can build a relationship conducive to the defense of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness:
- Frolick ‘neath the sheets with visiting militiamen
It’s true, quartering the Continental Army can be somewhat of a burden. But nobody says it has to ruin your love life. My lady loves when we invite one of General Washington’s men in to blow the grounsils with us. Some role play can go a long way too. By golly is she a naughty lady when we dress her up in Redcoat garb!
2. Beguile her with poetry and prose
My lady absolutely adores the work of one P. Henry, and I usually can’t even finish “The liberties of a people never were, nor will be, secure…” before she turns into an absolute animal, going off about Tyranny, the Stamp Act and the like. Patrick Henry’s fiery rhetoric is winning the hearts of millions. Why not try it out on your lover?
3. Share the Household
Try holding hands while milking the family cow together or sharing a chamber pot. You’ll never be truly comfortable with one another until you’ve each seen each other at your most vulnerable. (Proof: My dear friend Benjamin started this gimmick of switching wigs with his lady every Monday, and now he and Deborah just couldn’t be happier!)
4. Keep her ideals in line with the Revolution
Ensure that she’s adhering to patriotic values. If she’s spending exorbitant amounts of money on tea, let her know. Make your household a bastion for fair taxation by dressing up like a Native American and pouring gallons of her overpriced tea into the toilet in a theatrical fit of passion.
5. Draft pre-Marital vows
If you’re in a serious relationship and trying to create a more perfect union, show it by drafting a bill of rights. But make sure you establish a solid bicameral procedure for amendments! If she wants to run her own mercenary army, then you two should be able to work that out together. This should be rule number two on your bill!
— MT ’18. Illustrated by CDM ’18