First Date Tips


  • Mark your forehead with a large “X” so your date can tell you from your evil twin
  • Offer her your business card several times throughout your meal
  • As soon as your date asks you for any details about your personal life, begin sobbing uncontrollably to show your sensitive side
  • Girls go crazy for “Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie: Pyramid of Light”
  • Get drunk and offer her your father’s hand in marriage
  • Say “Blubber up, babe” then order him an entire hog roast
  • Bring along a couple crustaceans in case things get awkward
  • Find a way to relate every conversation topic to COS126
  • Present her with your severed ear to prove your affection
  • Sign off all your texts with the alluring pseudonym “Long Dong Silver”
  • If you think you’re hitting it off, suggest he put his wiener in your no-no spot
  • If your date mentions the three fraternity brothers you brought with you, put your finger on her lips and whisper “Shh, you’re ruining the moment”
  • Spice things up by shifting all of your makeup one inch to the left
  • Bring protection. A crossbow is suggested.
  • Talk shit about your date with the maître’d while she’s in the bathroom
  • Take risks! Just close your eyes and make a kissy face.
  • Immediately start berating your date as soon as they arrive- this is called “negging” and fools your love interest into thinking they are as much of a garbage person as you are
  • When your date isn’t looking, try to caress his face with a cold hot dog.
  • Tell him/her to meet you in New York City, then say you meant “the other New York City” when you don’t show up


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