Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and that means it’s almost time for romantic candlelit dinners, candy hearts, and, of course, the time-honored tradition of cleverly hiding babies in the homes of your potential mates. While opening your kitchen drawers and seeing the unmistakable amoeba-like shape of a baby is always exciting, when you’re a particularly desirable human specimen these swaddles of chubby joy can start piling up pretty quickly. And if you’re anything like me, you probably still have some lying around from last year. Receiving a baby is flattering and sexy, but it is a Valentine’s faux pas to regift them. They’re living, breathing, squishy pieces of flesh, and we must treat them as such. So although infants may seem utterly useless at first, these 7 innovative ways to use babies will have your baby-boom cleaned up in an instant!
- Getting rid of acne
We’ve all had moments where we gazed into the mirror and wished we had skin as smooth as a baby’s backside. Now, you can! Find the softest baby in your storage, approach slowly and cautiously without breaking eye contact, and begin slowly rubbing your cheeks over its mushy baby head. Remember to stay calm, as babies are notoriously good at sensing fear. Use this one weird trick every morning and evening and your acne will clear right up in a matter of weeks!
2. Covering up messes around the house
Have a dinner party without anyone figuring out that you were featured in season 6 of Hoarders! Just throw some of your old babies over any embarrassing mess, whether it’s vermin infested furniture, mountains of Kidz Bop CDs, or a decade’s worth of garbage that you’ve been stealing from your 4th grade teacher’s bins. Your guests will be none the wiser—they might comment on the wonderful pile of babies you’ve added to your décor, but they’ll never know those chic infants hide a dirty secret.
3. Phone Case
Babies love to hold things in their plump little fingers, and they make great DIY phone cases. Hand your phone to the nearest baby, wrap them together with some duct tape for extra security, and you have a cheap and durable new phone case. Don’t be afraid to try dropping your phone—the baby’s fat reserves will keep it from shattering on the hard ground. They’re easily customizable, too: just grab some Sharpies or cute stickers and get artsy!
Lonely? Always wanted a furry companion but never wanted the commitment or the responsibility? Put little collars on a few of your extra babies, give ‘em some silly names, and pretend they need to be fed, walked, and extensively cared for. Although babies are totally fine when left to their own devices, it’s fun to imagine they’re needy little kittens or helpless tarantulas.
5. Replacing the gross, dried out clay in your family’s Cranium set
Babies are extremely malleable, and their Play-Doh-like consistency is especially conducive to making fun shapes, especially during a heated battle of Sculpturades. Creative Cat cards are always challenging, but using babies adds an even more exciting twist. Spice up your next family game night!
6. Manual labor
Though they aren’t quite strong enough to move heavy boxes or rearrange your extensive collection of 15-foot marble statues of Joe Biden, babies are great at mowing lawns, cooking simple meals, and even chopping piles of wood for the winter. They may not have fully fused skulls, but they sure do have stamina. You may need to buy smaller versions of your kitchen utensils and landscaping tools, but it is well worth the extra expense.
7. More realistic garden gnomes
If anyone has recently muttered snide comments about the quality of your garden gnomes, it’s a snap to dress a few babies in classy red caps, glue on cotton ball beards, and place them in your yard. No one will ever again doubt that you have the most lifelike garden gnomes in the neighborhood.
With these tips, you can spend your Valentine’s Day being showered with babies without the usual worry of what to do with them afterwards. You are now ready to woo and be wooed!
– LH ’19