5 Guys Who Will Definitely Take You to the Aquarium


Jeremy Miller:

Nobody doubts Jeremy is a fantastic guy. He’s like a taller Zac Efron without the evil glint in his eye. Even better, he’s definitely into you. You’ve seen the way he tripped over himself trying to talk to you in the coffee shop last week. Real smooth, Jeremy. If you mentioned it to him, he would take you to the aquarium in a second.

Brian Beitlorn:

Brian lives across the hall from you. He’s nice, though he’s probably not going to win any awards for looks. But Skippy the seal is so adorable, playing with his little rubber ball like he always does. And the jellyfish in the Touch-and-Feel tank are awesome. It’s crazy they let you touch them with your bare hands! If you asked directly, there’s no way Brian would refuse to go to the aquarium with you.

David Deltano:

It’s been almost four days since someone took you to the aquarium. What’s been going on in the coral reef environment since then? What have Momo, Glenti, Walter, Alfred, Coco, and the fourteen other mako sharks been up to? Everyone knows David is really strange. He’s also extremely unattractive and at least fifteen years older than you. But he would definitely take you to the aquarium if you asked.

Thomas Sargent:

You’ve known Tom for years. He’s a close friend. If you ask him, he’ll refuse. He’ll say something about how “this has to stop” and “you said no more relapses.” But in the end he’ll break down just like he always does and take you to the aquarium. Then you will finally be able to press your face up against the glass of the ten-thousand-gallon barracuda tank again. His intermittent sobbing and cries of “Come back to us, Karen!” might be a little distracting. But none of that will matter if you get to see all your little crayfish friends just one more time.

Richard Bayer:

Rich is your Dad. Honestly, he’ll probably just be glad you’re spending some time with him.


–DLG ’18

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