I would like to issue a formal apology to the members of Ms. Svenson’s third period history class. This was not supposed to happen. I would like to assure you all that when I hit “send” on that email, I meant to attach my PowerPoint presentation on Louis XIV, “The Sun King”, and not, in fact, “Jabba and Han’s Wet and Wild Ride”. My aim was to share information on how Louis XIV’s tax policy helped eradicate feudalism and establish a more centralized French government in the late 17th century, not the way “Jabba’s tail gently caressed Han’s inner thigh, watching the way he squirmed within his carbonite sheath.”
For anyone who was offended by the graphic nature of this erotic fan-made creative work, or “slash fiction”, I would like to express my sincere condolences. I never meant for you to read the portion of the story in which The Hutt’s firm yet slimy grip slowly works its way around Mr. Solo’s waist. That email was supposed to disseminate information on levies used to finance the lush Palace of Versailles, not on a sultry bacchanal of lust and desire between the leader of Tatooine’s largest crime syndicate and the captain of the Millennium Falcon. I would also like to further apologize for subsequently forwarding said email to our entire school. That was a major bungle on my part, and one that I sincerely regret.
I think it goes without saying that neither I nor any member of our graduating class wished for Principal O’Donoghue’s cameo in “Jabba and Han’s Wet and Wild Ride” to be made available to him or any other member of Chester A. Garfield High’s esteemed faculty. Obviously, the scene in which Principal O’Donoghue lovingly curls up against Jabba’s considerable girth as Han shyly runs his hand through his hair was meant for a private audience, not the entire school. There is no way to properly express the deep sense of regret I feel for sharing such a private expression of wanton yearning through such a garishly public forum. My embarrassment can only be paralleled by the profound feelings of shame and disgust Han feels as he reflects on his forbidden encounter with The Hutt at the end of “Jabba and Han’s Wet and Wild Ride.” To Ms. Svenson, Principal O’Donoghue, the janitorial staff, the administrative faculty, my third period history class, and the rest of the student body, this is all I have to say: I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.
–MWG ’16, Illustration by TT ’19