Yesterday afternoon, Princeton fraternity Sigma Omega Kappa announced that they have officially become the first collegiate fraternity, or organization of any kind, to successfully land “a fricken dude on Mars.”
Tiger managed to land an exclusive interview with SOK Rush Chair, Ted Callahan ‘17, to discuss the fraternity’s historic achievement. “Sig K has always been known for making its pledges do the craziest shit, but the stakes keep getting higher every year. It used to be enough to just send a pledge to France for the weekend wearing man-tights and a cowboy hat. But ever since KAPi put that one pledge on the Trans-Siberian railroad with nothing but a slowly thawing frozen turkey, we’ve had to up the ante.”
SOK has been planning the launch since early 2013, when rival fraternity Alpha Omega Epsilon reported successfully sending a lone freshman on a twelve-hundred mile canoe journey through the Amazonian basin while wearing only a thong and a corset.
“Yeah, we were really pissed when we found out about AOE’s Amazon stunt,” said Callahan. “We knew we had to do something fuckin’ insane this year. So we did a fundraiser with the alums and chartered some space company to build all the shit we needed to send a pledge to Mars. I guess nerds are good for something after all.”
The pledge in question, David Rusoe ‘18, reportedly touched down on the Red Planet at approximately 3pm EST yesterday. Contacted via satellite uplink, the nineteen-year-old Princeton student didn’t seem to have much to say regarding his interplanetary voyage. “Uh god, my head hurts so much. All I remember was slamming shots and raging on Tuesday night. I must have passed out after that last triple jägerbomb. Jesus, it smells like keystone and piss in here.”
Said Callahan “Yeah, we just saw David passed out in the corner of that pregame and thought ‘wouldn’t it be funny if he just woke up on Mars?’ So we drew a whole bunch of dicks on him in sharpie and threw him in the rocket. It’s pretty crazy he was passed out for the whole three months though. We go pretty hard in Sig Kap.”
A couple hours later, David Rusoe seemed to be adjusting well to the F. U. C. K. D. A. V. I. D. Command Module, his new home on the Martian surface. “Yeah, very funny guys. But seriously, can you let me out of here, now? I can’t see anything but all these little dials and that screen that just keeps flashing ‘WELCOME TO MARS BITCH.’ I really need to go to class now.”
Callahan assured The Tiger staff that Rusoe will be returning to Princeton in time for his spring semester finals. “Honestly, we thought it would be pretty funny if we just left him there and let him, like, Matt Damon his way out. But the space company said we had to bring him back. It’s alright though. We left him some stuff to keep him occupied on his way home.”
At press time, Rusoe seemed less optimistic about his return trip. “I’m still not really sure what’s going on guys. I’m getting worried though. There’s a cabinet here that says ‘RETURN PROVISIONS: 90 DAYS’ and it just has two beer kegs, a pile of stale saltines, and an iPod stuck playing ‘Red Solo Cup’ on repeat.”
In the meantime, Sigma Omega Kappa is already making plans for their next stunt. Reportedly, they are working on a time machine to send a pledge to Salem, Massachusetts wearing only a pair of Google glasses and a Harry Potter costume.
— ASG ’18, Illustration by TT ’19