The Force Awakens would be so awesome if these characters made an appearance!
R2-D2 But With Muscles (Jedi)
R2-D2 is one of the most recognizable robots in movie history. His squat, rounded frame and distinctive coloring became iconic branding and his mischievous personality made him a fan favorite, encouraging audiences to reconsider how they related to robotic characters in film. But imagine the mileage Lucasfilm could have gotten, if R2-D2 had a six-pack and sweaty, bulging traps. It’s true, R2 stole the show whenever he appeared on screen. But show me a smooth, baby-oiled R2 with steel biceps and large, well-defined hydraulic thighs, and you can bet I’ll be asking for an R2-D2 sweater this Christmas. Go as far as to give me a scene where R2 pushes C3-PO against the metal blast doors of a star destroyer, his metallic muscles taut and straining, as they kiss passionately, a tryst in secret, lest their human programmers learn that they have developed the ability to love. And yeah, I’ll buy the DVD.
Spaghetti Jedi (Jedi)
You’re right. “Spaghetti Jedi” did not appear in the original Star Wars films. In fact, at this present moment, he has yet to be written into the Star Wars universe in any capacity. But, theoretically, he could be. And, theoretically, he should be. Imagine it. A Jedi made completely out of Italian spaghetti. He’d have meatballs for eyes and a little splotch of marinara sauce on the top of his head in a symbolic approximation of hair. Tell me that’s not cute as hell. On top of that, because HE’S PASTA, he could carry as many lightsabers as he wanted and he could say things like “And now for the main course” or “that was just an appetizer” when he’s fighting. The consensus is in: we’re hungry for new Jedi– and we’re thinking’ Italian.
A Jawa with Long, Shapely Legs (Jedi)
The Force Awakens will bring new heroes and, more importantly, new vixens. But it remains to be seen: will Disney honor fans’ demands and finally show us a Jawa with long, shapely legs? The Jawas, a race of hooded rat monsters, were first introduced in Episode 1, but even though their bodies were completely obscured save for their yellow, rodent eyes, all fans could think was “show papa some leg”! And since then fans have imagined the scene where they will: one of the film’s heroes heads to the Jawa sandcrawler to strike a deal. He begins searching through the droids on sale, when he looks up just as a Jawa opens a slit in its robe to reveal a single, slender leg ending in a sparkling red pump. The Jawa shakes its leg over the sand, and gently traces its fingers along the sides, the entire scene underscored by raucous brass music. Ja-wooooooooooooooga!
General Grievous With 400 Arms (Sith)
Every fan agrees: General Grievous’s only weakness was: Not. Enough. Arms. Well now General Grievous is back, baby. But there’s something a little different. That’s right, motherfuckers. Evacuate the building. Cuz your mama’s favorite bad boy left his four arms at the front door, and picked up three hundred and ninety six more. (And then went back to the front door and picked up the original four). You heard me, you piece of shit. Four hundred fucking arms. Picture a seething maelstrom of arms. More arms than you can imagine. Unless you can imagine 400 arms, which is exactly the number he has. Since every arm carries a lightsaber, his slightest movement means he cuts off at least a dozen of his own arms. But don’t worry, more arms are at the ready to reattach even more arms to his arm-encrusted torso.
Brian Schwartz (Sith)
Brian Schwartz of Stanley, WI could be exactly what Star Wars needs to pump some new energy into the franchise. The 46-year-old accountant has a zest for chicken tetrazzini matched only by his passion for fiscal responsibility, and his newfound interest in jogging means the action scenes practically write themselves. Brian’s well-honed bookkeeping skills would be an huge asset to an Imperial bureaucracy facing ever-increasing problems with its expense reports. Just imagine– Brian sits hunched over a desk at the Empire’s headquarters, furiously scribbling into a corporate ledger with his space pen, sweat pouring down his face. His supervisor enters frantically, screaming “Brian! Brian! Where the hell are those quarterly Space Financials?!” A wry grin slowly creeps across his face as he holds up a huge stack of perfectly itemized reports. Says Brian, “Looking for these?”
That’s right, everyone’s favorite wisecracking Stormtrooper is back for an all-new adventure! We’d love to see some of TK-421’s crazy goofs make a comeback in The Force Awakens—who could forget the classic gag where he stands immobile at his guard post with TK-422 on the Death Star? Not to mention the Imperial Command meeting where he stands immobile at his guard post by the door! The only thing fans love more than TK-421’s zany hijinks is his winning smile. If Mr. Abrams fails to include one of the most iconic comic relief characters in franchise history in the new movie, that’s on him.
Ghost Porkins (Sith)
Ah man! We all remember Porkins. The only thing larger than his stomach was his heart, which had to be massive to pump all that blood through his enormous body. The last time we saw Jek Tono Porkins was during the Battle of Yavin in Episode IV A New Hope, where he valiantly sacrificed his life for the rebel alliance during the climactic siege on the Death Star. How friggin’ sweet would it be for Porkins to come back as a ghost, flying in a ghostly X-wing starfighter in the background of every single scene?! Zoomin’ around, havin’ a great time, and shoutin’ his signature catchphrase: “Look out, suckaz, it’s Porkin’ Time!” And while Ghost Porkins isn’t technically a Sith, he would still serve as a stark reminder of the sacrifices of the past and the lives forgotten by the rebels, blind to the human cost of their pride. Look out suckaz… It’s (ghost) Porkin’ Time!
— MWG ’16, CJS ’16, DRC ’16, Illustrated by KG ’19 and TT ’19