America’s Sexiest Currently Tenured Ivy League Presidents

Christina Paxson (Brown University)

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A young, spry, 55 year-old seductress, Christina Paxson was elected the 19th President of Brown University back in 2012. And ever since then, Brown’s balmy Rhode Island campus has never been hotter! As President, Paxson has focused on emphasizing financial aid for middle- and lower-income families, but she really should have spent more time emphasizing her sexy birthing hips! Christina has a B.A. from Swarthmore College, a Ph.D. from Columbia University, and legs that just won’t quit. She may be one of the most influential women in America, but Paxson’s intellectual pursuits will always be secondary to her physical beauty! Simply put, Christina Paxson is one taaaasty dish!!!

 

Lee C. Bollinger (Columbia University)

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Lee Bollinger, born in 1946, was recently criticized for taking a neutral public position on Columbia University’s controversial Middle East Languages and Cultures department, but he has never once been criticized for his cute, cute butt! In 2007, Bollinger was denounced at the national level for hosting Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at Columbia’s World Leader’s Forum. But let me tell you right now… ladies love a bad boy! Lee Bollinger is an outspoken scholar of the First Amendment, but he doesn’t need to say anything to us… we love Bollinger for his taut body, not for his words!

 

Philip J. Hanlon (Dartmouth College)

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With eyes that whisper “tempt me,” and lips that whisper “I won a Guggenheim Fellowship,” Phil Hanlon is, without a doubt, one of America’s sexiest currently tenured Ivy League Presidents. Born in 1955, Hanlon attended Dartmouth University before graduating Phi Beta Kappa… in hotness! Phil Hanlon may serve on the editorial board for the Journal of Algebraic Combinatorics, but his academic achievements are complete and total horse shit when compared to the contours of his perfect, nubile, greased-up 6-pack!

 

Amy Gutmann (University of Pennsylvania)

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Whenever we think about Amy Gutmann, we’re forced to ask: is it morally irresponsible to over-sexualize some of the brightest academic minds in the nation?

Not if they’re as unquenchably hot as Amy! In 2013, Gutmann has raised over 4.3 billion dollars for the University of Pennsylvania, but she’s so sexy, we wouldn’t care if she didn’t raise a penny for the school! With a body like hers, Gutmann’s academic and political achievements are meaningless! Yowza, Yowza, YOWZA!

 

Christopher L. Eisgruber (Princeton University)

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Someone better call an exterminator… because Princeton University has a fox infestation. A silver fox infestation! With the body of a young George Clooney, and the impetuous smile of Puck from A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Chris Eisgruber has been turning heads ever since he became Princeton’s President back in 2013. Does putting him in an article like this undermine his long-sought-after credibility as an educator? Maybe! Does my jaw drop whenever Eisgruber bends over to pick up a nickel? Absolutely! Eisgruber may have come under recent scrutiny for abolishing Princeton’s controversial practice of grade deflation, but I’d rather spend my time abolishing the shirt from Eisgruber’s chest so that I can scrutinize the succulent fruits of his body!

 

Drew Gilpin Faust (Harvard University)

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But seriously though, is this wrong? Should we be doing this? These people are shaping the minds of America’s future. Is this article just crass and and insensitive over-sensationalism that demeans the achievements of some of America’s most intellectually proficient individuals? SHIT NO! Drew Faust is an expert in the History Department, and in the Bedroom Department. She has a million dollar salary, two daughters, and a waist size that makes Marilyn Monroe look like a fat, bloated manatee. Drew Gilpin Faust may have developed new perspectives in our intellectual history of the antebellum South, but she should have developed a swimsuit skimpy enough to show off her summer-ready beach body… Yum yum yummy!

 

Peter Salovey (Yale University)

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I would wreck Peter Salovey. I would tear him apart. Limb. From. Limb.

 

Elizabeth Garrett (Cornell University)

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Enough! This is wrong. This is morally reprehensible. These are real people. We should not have published an article that synthesizes these complex, gifted individuals down to their most reductive foundations. This is wrong!

PSYCH!!!

Elizabeth Garrett is the 13th President of Cornell University, the Senior Vice President for Academic Affairs at the University of Southern California, and a real freak in the sheets! In 2005 she served on George W. Bush’s Advisory Panel for Federal Tax Reform, but she should have served on the Advisory Panel for Federal BUTT REFORM instead!!! Who cares if Elizabeth Garrett is the Cornell’s first female President in its 150 year history!? She’s one of America’s sexiest currently tenured Ivy League Presidents and, at the end of the day, that’s the only thing that really matters!!!

— DRC ’16

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