Most of you all are probably quite familiar with the popular hookup app Tinder. Perhaps even more of you are familiar with Princeton’s world-renowned two-flush toilet system–up for liquids, down for solids. But did it ever occur to you that these two marvels of human achievement might be integrated into one? Until a few weeks ago, I thought that swiping left and right on Tinder was the only way to search for hookups. That all changed, my friends, when I realized that the double flush system doesn’t just save the environment–it can save your love life too.
The process is simple. Two individuals who happen to be visiting the bathroom at the same time acknowledge one another, perhaps with a firm handshake or a brief discussion of international politics, before sitting down in their respective toilet stalls. One participant must initiate courtship with an upward flush (code, in this situation, for “I am interested”). It is then up to the other participant to respond either with an upward flush (“I too am interested”) or a downward flush (“Terribly sorry, but I don’t seem to reciprocate your interest”). Turns out the downward flush is useful for more than just downing your solids. Now that’s solid!
If both participants flush upwards, it is the responsibility of the initiator, the one who flushed first, to climb over the barrier between the stalls and commence the hookup. Some people have tried to convince me that either party should have the right to climb over, but this isn’t really something I’m willing to compromise on.
So the next time the call of nature brings you into one of Princeton’s many public restrooms, don’t enter your stall until someone else approaches an adjacent one. You might get some strange looks from passersby while you’re waiting, but these can be played off coolly with suave phrases like “we’ve all been here!”, “just looking for a little flush up/flush down” or “if you happen to know anyone who’s keen for some casual sex in a public bathroom, send them my way!”
Of course, this system is not without its drawbacks. Learning to recognize the difference between an upward and a downward flush by ear is a grueling and confusing process which, even after countless hours of practice, I have still yet to truly master. Just the other day, I was certain I heard my neighbor flush down, indicating a rejection of my offer for intimacy. However, a later review of security camera footage revealed that he had flushed up. This was probably the saddest day of my life so far.
Will this become the next big thing on campus? There’s only one way to find out. Please help me make my dream a reality by sharing photos of you and your bathroom hookup buddies to Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn with the caption “#ToiletTinder”. Happy flushing!