Illuminati Application Tips


So you’ve graduated from an elite university, been part of a few secret societies, burnt a few rival mascots in effigy, and you’re wondering: what’s next? Well, you just might be qualified to join the most secret society of all—the Illuminati! We know it can be scary joining an organization that’s been manipulating the course of human events since the Bavarian Enlightenment. You’re probably asking yourself—where do I even begin? That’s where we come in. Just follow these hot tips and you’ll be on your way to orchestrating the rise of the New World Order in no time.

  1. Building the perfect résumé

What you need to keep in mind is that the Illuminati are looking for balance in their incoming class. Whether you accomplish that through being really excellent in controlling the media to help advance the construction of a unified world government– or through a more well-rounded and consistent history of serving the needs of the intellectual elite through instigating proxy wars in the Middle East– is ultimately up to you. Just try to work on having at least a few major instances of subverting the government through subtle Machiavellian manipulations to help bolster your background– and no, your student government doesn’t count!

  1. Nailing your personal essay

Sure, having an impressive set of extracurriculars and a few covert assassinations under your belt can look good on paper, but admissions officers at the Illuminati really want to see your personality shine. It’s often helpful to include meaningful anecdotes, like a Satanic blood ritual that changed your outlook on life by teaching you that morality is a construct of the weak and that the Will to Power is the only source of meaning in this world, or a Saint A’s orgy that led you to realize not only who you were on the inside, but also who you were inside. Remember, this is the only chance they get to really know who you are, so if you got it, flaunt it!

  1. Visiting campus

There’s no better way to show serious interest in getting into the Illuminati than to visit one of their numerous secret enclaves in person. It’s also an excellent way to get a good sense of the atmosphere at each of their elusive strongholds to find out which is right for you. Whether you’re a sucker for the refined Gothic charm of the Fortress at Luxembourg or go gaga over the cool postmodern vibe of the Subterranean Void beneath Manhattan, you’ll be sure to find somewhere you love. Many of the Illuminati’s Hidden Sectors offer preview programs where prospective members can stay overnight, and those that survive often come away with a really great feel for campus culture!

  1. Crushing your alumni interview

We know, we know, it can be really intimidating to be interviewed by former president George W. Bush! But just remember, at one point, he was in your shoes too! Imagine how intimidating it must have been for him to meet Richard Nixon for the first time in the hidden chamber under the Oval Office! All you need to do is relax and be yourself and the rest will follow. Oh, and of course, make sure to pre-burn your sheep entrails for the Libation to the Nameless Gods!

  1. Demonstrating loyalty

It almost goes without saying that the first thing you need to show is your ability to keep a secret. The last thing the admissions office wants to see is that you’ve been running your mouth off about Kubrick and the moon landings, the melting point of steel beams, or that pesky grassy knoll! So be sure to keep you Facebook clean of any posts that sound like kooky conspiracy theories. To be safe, make sure you don’t say anything compromising on Twitter, LinkedIn, or even a personal blog. It’s also best to keep quiet around the house, in private conversations with friends and family, or in the journal you keep locked in a safe under your bed. If you don’t, they’ll know. They always know.

  1. Signing the Blood Oath

Last but not least, don’t forget to sign the Oath of the Ancients in human blood! It doesn’t have to be yours; it just has to be fresh. You wouldn’t believe how many highly qualified applicants have been rejected and cast into a vast pit just for forgetting this one simple step. Make sure that the inscription is made in Austro-Bavarian and not Old High German—a silly little slip-up like this could be the difference between you becoming the Global Hegemon of the New World Order and toiling in eternal servitude in the Tar Mines!

That’s about all there is to it. There is no magic formula for getting into the Illuminati—just work hard, have a well-polished application, and either reach platinum album sales or get elected president.

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