Republican Candidates Propose New Birth Control Bill


Although the seventeen Republican candidates currently running for President cannot even agree to all be Republicans, the GOP’ers are unanimous on one issue: abortion. Every candidate running claims to be pro-life, some even asserting that they do not support exceptions for cases of rape or incest. In fact, a contingent of candidates are starting to draft a new bill that, if made law, will prohibit a slew of different practices that can prevent the birth of new children.

“As I mentioned in the debate, there is scientific evidence that a baby inside a mother’s womb is a person at the moment of conception,” says Governor Mike Huckabee, a collaborator on the bill, “but there is also scientific evidence that a baby is a person even before that, like when its parents are engaging in foreplay and sometimes even earlier.”

“All human life at every stage of its development is worthy of protection,” adds Florida senator Marco Rubio, also working on this bill, “including the stage where a man and a woman are developing the idea of possibly maybe having sex that could lead to the creation of a person.”

In its current form, the bill proposes to ban any behavior that could end a new life prematurely by preventing two potential parents from engaging in intercourse. As of this morning, 327 different activities have been included in the draft of the bill, including:

  • Cockblocking
  • Swiping left
  • Making out without first brushing and flossing properly
  • Engaging in dirty talk after inhaling helium
  • Keeping a picture of your parents on your bedside table
  • Keeping a picture of Jabba the Hutt on your bedside table
  • Thinking too hard about how Pearl from Spongebob could be the daughter of Mr. Krabs
  • Using the word “moist”
  • Spending prolonged periods of time with already born children
  • Listening to “Candy Shop”
  • Not listening to “Candy Shop”
  • Possessing assets in the posterior region that are insufficient to satisfy Eunectes murinus, a species of snake more informally known as the anaconda
  • Looking at a potential partner’s middle school yearbook pictures
  • Reading any part of the fourth book in the Twilight series from Chapter 7 onwards
  • Sexting with autocorrect enabled
  • Wearing, buying, selling, or sewing granny panties

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker claims this new bill marks a revolutionary step towards gender equality.

“Our bill will hold both men and women equally accountable for making sure every child that could be born will be born,” says the governor. “Hillary thinks the best way to empower women is to give them the right to make their own decisions about their reproductive healthcare, but we think we empower women so much more by prohibiting their husbands from wearing Crocs.”

Republican front-runner Donald Trump is currently not on the list of authors for this bill. However, the real estate mogul claims the candidates working on it called him two days after the debate asking if there was anything that consistently turned him off, to which he replied, “Only Rosie O’Donnell.”

— ACD ‘16

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