Decision Blamed on “Ungrateful” Students
Disappointed at what they termed a “thankless student body” after their Lawnparties announcement, the leaders of the Undergraduate Student Government today shocked Princeton University by canceling Big Sean’s headlining act and spending the money on a new Chevrolet Corvette Z06 instead.
“You call that gratitude?!” wrote the USG leadership in a letter to The Daily Princetonian. “We went to all that effort to choose what we thought was an amazing Lawnparties lineup for you ungrateful jerks, and I haven’t seen or heard a single ‘thank you USG’ yet. It’s all ‘oh boy Big Sean’ this and ‘UGH why can’t we have Lil B’ that. Not a word of appreciation for the students who worked tirelessly to bring him to campus.”
“You pricks don’t deserve us, and you don’t deserve Big Sean,” continued the letter. “You know what would be better to spend $78,000 on than you privileged, uncivilized jackasses? How about a brand-new Chevrolet Corvette Z06? If you give somebody a ride in a car like that, they at least say ‘thank you’, not ‘fuck USG lawnparties hasn’t been good since 2012’. In fact, that’s what we’re going to do. Why spend our money on something that our stupid classmates won’t shut up and enjoy, when we could be enjoying a 650-horsepower V8?”
The reception on campus has understandably been mixed, with some students praising the unprecedented change.
“At first I was so upset with the USG for canceling Big Sean and insulting us all with that editorial,” said Amanda van Groot ’16. “But then I started reading up about magnetorheological suspension damping, and now I’m hooked. USG absolutely made the right choice.”
Most students, however, are far more negative.
“Fuck USG,” exclaimed Jessica Berger ’15. “Thanks to them, there hasn’t been a single good Lawnparties headliner since my freshman year.”
“Are they serious? A goddamn Corvette?” added Marcel Wu ’17. “They should have at least gotten a [Porsche] 911 or an [Jaguar] XFR. Those cars are actually good.”
– AKS ’15