1. 2014 was a truly #thirsty year for #teamJG with human salt-lick John Goodman making more red carpet appearances than ever before.
2. We’re guessing this Big Lebowski star has a Big LeWOWski downstairs! AWOOGA! Does anyone have a glass of water? Seriously.
3. Did we just take the Saltine Challenge or look at this picture of John being coy on the runway, because our mouths are absolutely arid.
4. How many times have you watched this The Monuments Men behind-the-scenes interview with your mouth dry as a pumice stone?
5. John was pinning us to the floor and holding a hair dryer to our tongues as he sported a second-grade bowlcut in Inside Llewyn Davis.
6. Our kidneys were failing due to chronic dehydration after we set eyes on this picture of John in cabana-wear.
7. John might as well have been pouring rock salt into our up-turned mouths when he debuted his new hairless dome.
8. BUT in 2014, JG was done playing games. He decided to bare it ALL. And OHHH how we wish we could lick the sweat off his arms if only to quiet our violent, unappeasable thirst.
9. Looking at this picture of John in a bowling t-shirt was like kneeling in the desert and consuming a mouthful of hot sand, after forgetting to fill up your water canteen before a 40-day spice trading voyage through the Kalahari dunes.
10. *hnnnnnnnnnnnngh* (the only sound that our absolutely dehydrated larynxes can still produce)
11. Every cell in our body was sitting in a hypertonic solution, leaking fluid osmotically into the surrounding space, and shriveling into a tiny sac when JG stepped out on the red carpet in a collar and tweed.
12. Tiger is sorry to inform you that the author of this piece passed away after viewing the following image. He was found in a state of complete desiccation, a dry corpse, devoid of any liquid. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends during this time.
– CJS ’16