What Does “Bike Reform” Actually Mean?

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The wheels of government are left spinning in the mud. All over campus, bicycles are carelessly tossed, left bruised, abused, and underused. It is clear that we need swift and comprehensive bike reform, lest the situation descend into tire-popping chaos. But what will this entail? We have some ideas that we think can shift the discourse to a higher gear:

  • Mandate snow tires in winter.
  • As per University regulations, bikes cannot be locked to railings, benches, or door handles.
  • You’ll be able to open your bike lock with your prox.
  • Any bike that remains locked for more than a year becomes part of the University endowment.
  • All of Princeton’s walking paths will have dedicated bike lanes.
  • Introduce the “Penny-Farthing for your Thoughts” program, which will provide bikes to needy philosophy majors.
  • Inviting Tour de France winner Bradley Wiggins to give a talk on campus, for which attendance will be free for all bikes.
  • Practice safe riding: lubricate your chains, have it looked at by a bike mechanic…
  • Tricycles are safer, though.
  • 2 Chainz 4 Bikez
  • Finally enfranchising the campus’s hidden minority: the bike population. Tandems count for 2 full votes; unicycles count for ⅔ instead of ½ as before; and bikes will be allowed to run for Government Club.
  • Stationary bicycles will finally be given freedom from the institutionalized oppression of the Stephens Fitness Center.
  • Henceforth, spinning classes will be BYOB (bring your own bike).
  • All unicycles will be melted down and re-formed, their parts joined together into beautiful, proper bicycles.
  • You will black in after a night on the Street riding a tandem bicycle with everyone you have ever hooked up with.
  • Zero-tolerance policy for BWI (Biking While Intoxicated).
  • Collaborating with the Fédération Internationale de Motocyclisme to institute much-needed changes to the structure of the Superbike World Championship starting in 2016, including reduced engine size and increased parity between factory and independent teams, for the purposes of ensuring the financial stability and long-term growth and health of the sport.
  • With luck, in a year or two the streets of Princeton will host a round of the Superbike World Championship! Man, just imagine how cool that will be! I bet the track they design includes the climb up Washington. They’ll get some sick air at the top of that hill! And a hairpin turn around the new Forbes traffic circle would be amazing. Oh, and what if they, like, had to cross the Dinky tracks under braking or something? On second thought, I guess they’d be going the other way over the tracks, but boy, I think this really…
  • No Vespas.

–Tiger Staff, Illustration CSO ’15

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