Point/Counterpoint: Campus Cyclists Should Ride More Slowly vs. QUAKE, MORTAL

From the Pedestrians

Dear Cyclists,
We pedestrians realize that you guys are only trying to get around campus a bit faster, and we respect that. We only ask that you be a little more careful when you’re riding so that no one gets hurt. We know it’s annoying to slow down when a big group of walkers is blocking the path, but I think we could all agree that it’s better than zooming around them too fast. There could be an accident! We’d like to foster an atmosphere of mutual respect between Bikers and Walkers so that everyone can have a safe, pleasant experience on campus. Because, in the end, we should not categorize ourselves as “bikers” or “walkers”; we are all just students trying to get by.

Sincerely,
The friendly pedestrians of Princeton

From the Cyclists

Bikers

Dear Walkers,
Just as the lean wolf does not slow for the plodding sheep, the bikers will never slow for pedestrians. If you fear for your safety, perhaps you should be the ones wearing helmets. But I will be damned if it takes me more than four-and-a-half minutes to get to late meal for my low-fat yogurt. The thought of a biker ever slowing down for a pedestrian is laughable. HA!

Our steel hearts beat only for speed and efficiency. We are more evolved than you! We are a seamless blend of man and machine, the next evolutionary step. Our cold, metal struts and taught, leathery glutes transcend that coddling hag, mother nature. We are superhuman, wonders of power and speed! Capable of flying downhill at 60 miles per hour, and uphill at almost four mph. Bow down to us; we are your gods! We will rip the throats of all who defy us in our sharp gears and whirling chains. We will feast on your mortal blood and keep the excess in our convenient, chassis-mounted water bottles. We are neither man nor machine. We are your reckoning.

So get the fuck out of our way.

Love,
Toecutter and the Badass Bicycle Crew

– ASG ’18. Illustrated by KX ’16.

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