Feeling blue because you’re stuck in the Orange Bubble while all your friends are enjoying quality time with their families, vacationing on their private archipelagos, or visiting their long-distance significant others and experiencing physical contact for the first time in two months? Fear not, for we here at The Princeton Tiger have compiled a guide for the ultimate Princeton staycation, you know, to help you pretend like your soul-crushing loneliness just isn’t a thing.
Life’s a Beach
So what if you can’t be on a beach in Tahiti? You can still have the same experience, but without the annoying inconvenience of sunshine, palm trees, and gorgeous women bringing you piña coladas. A perfect way to fend off the bleak reality of your situation for just another day is to grab a lawn chair, head over to the Wilson volleyball court, and bury your toes in the sand. It is absolutely imperative that you make every effort to disregard the fact that it’s 34°F and raining sideways.
Who cares if you aren’t shopping in Paris? There’s still lots of money to be spent right here in the 08544, and nothing will quell that all-consuming fire of misery in your stomach quicker than blindly throwing around some Alexander Hamiltons. Drag your lazy bones up to Nassau Street and buy a couple stylish scarves that you can use to conceal that look of abject despair that has been permanently transfixed on your face.
Bummed that your best friend is off on a big game safari with Mitt Romney’s nephew while at the same moment Netflix is calling you to make sure you’re still alive? Well knock it off, because there are plenty of adventures to be had right here at Princeton. Nothing screams “aquatic activities make it easier to hide my tears” like snorkeling in Lake Carnegie! Don’t worry about the EPA labeling it as “impaired”, whatever that even means. Mercury can’t be that harmful, right?
What’s Cookin’, Pathetic Lookin’?
Tired of your two Rocky meals a day tasting like loneliness and regret? Wishing you could be home enjoying a meal prepared by someone who isn’t paid to cook for you? Luckily for you, there are plenty of Princeton families who would maybe probably love an uninvited dinner guest. Dress to your nines, and go door-to-door on Hodge Street to rustle up some grub. Take advantage of loud doorbells as opportunities to curse yourself aloud for telling your parents “I think I’d rather just hang around here.”
What Comes Before Part B?
All the previous tips have been mere Band-Aids to patch up your poor, shattered soul, but if life has taught me anything, it’s that there’s nothing a little ethanol can’t fix for good. Throw a good ol’ fashioned rager and announce it on every listserv you can think of. Give it some quirky, random theme like “Friends”, “Glee”, or “Look at how much fun we’re having! LOOK AT IT!” The better the theme, the less likely that your planned get-together of internet strangers won’t devolve into you getting hammered alone in your room and drunk-dialing your grandma because she still has to care. Doesn’t she?
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Please Tell Me I Matter
The coup de grâce for any successful Princeton staycation is to spend any spare time you might have staring into your mirror, convincing yourself that the pathetic wretch staring back isn’t you, and practicing your speech for when your friends ask about your break: “Yeah, it was pretty chill. Definitely some much-needed ‘me’ time.”
– ARG ’18. Illustrated by MGM ’17.