Several days ago, the Coast Guard apprehended Reza Baluchi after he attempted to travel 1000 miles from Florida to Bermuda in a bubble-like contraption that he constructed himself and calls the “Hydro Pod”. He was found unconscious inside this floating vehicle. Strangely enough, he was found drenched in sweat and could be heard faintly whispering “granola bars” over and over again. Through inside connections, we have obtained his journal entries detailing his epic quest. It is truly the Odyssey of our time.
Planning for the Trip:
I’m ready to begin my journey from Florida to the Bermuda. I’ll be making the trip in the Hydro Pod, a vehicle I modeled on a combination of a hamster wheel and the 2001 video game Super Monkey Ball.
The journey is 1000 miles, so I figured a box of granola bars would be enough. If I run out, I know I can fish with the blade I crafted myself after years of learning the ancient art of Japanese sword making. Well, really I just watched The Karate Kid several times, but I think it’s close enough.
I’m wearing leg warmers and a leotard to channel my inner 80s aerobics-exercise video spirit. Richard Simmons will serve as my emotional guide for this voyage.
Day 1- Wednesday:
The sun is about three quarters of the way across the sky, making it around 3:00 p.m. Apparently the paddles on this thing don’t really work in sand. I discovered this after being stuck on the beach for about two hours.
But other than that minor hindrance, everything is going well. The wind is blowing west at about ten knots and the ocean is calm. Below I’ve noted a few of the things I’ve noticed so far:
- the ocean
- the sky
- the sun
I’ve become pretty adept in my observations, as you can see. I’m assuming that by nightfall I’ll be able to add a few more things to my list, like the moon, and maybe also stars.
Day 2- Thursday:
About an hour ago, the Coast Guard approached me and told me to end my trip. I remember distinctly that their words were something like “Your Hydro Pod is so cool. The government is super jealous.” Then they begged for my autograph, but I’m not doing this for myself, I’m doing it for the children. I asked for directions and then I rolled towards the horizon. Don’t let the man hold you down, I thought to myself.
I’m thirsty. Turns out you can’t drink ocean water. I’m feeling lightheaded and I’m almost certain that I saw a bearded Tom Hanks floating on a raft, accompanied by a red=painted volleyball. But I can’t be sure of anything anymore. Nothing is certain in this life, not even the relationship between this century’s most influential couple, Beyoncé and Jay Z. He liked it so he put a ring on it. But did he love it?
Day 3- Friday:
I’m off the coast of Florida, and I realize now that I’ve forgotten my sword. But that’s not important anymore. I can summon my spirit animal, the great white shark, to capture my prey. This is my only hope, considering I’ve already binged on the granola bars.
I brought my phone so I can utilize the navigation system. The only problem is that I haven’t paid my phone bill in a month because I used all my money to build this hydro pod. I guess my mom was right when she said that I never should’ve dropped out of business school.
It’s my second hour without food and I have nearly no energy left. My only choice is to alert the Coast Guard using emergency distress signals. But if anyone asks, they actually took me against my will.
Day 4- Saturday:
I write this entry from jail. Physically I am rehydrated, but mentally I am starved from lack of freedom and the blunting of my human will. But I will not be stopped because the ocean is where I belong. My next journey will be to Hawaii. On an aqua bike.