Class Council Campaign Promises

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  • Three-ply toilet paper
  • Class of 2018 Lingerie
  • I promise that under my leadership, YOU. WILL. GET. LAID. (even if I have to do it with my own two hands)
  • I’ll bring your childhood dog back to life
  • I’ll love you like your mother never could
  • John Lennon at Lawnparties!!!
  • Bathroom codes for guys, too.
  • All bathroom codes will be changed to 123
  • Rain means class is optional
  • Albert Einstein will teach lectures.
  • Cheese fries at Thursday dinners
  • Cheese fries at every breakfast
  • Cheese fries in every class
  • A thin blanket of cheese fries coating the entire campus, the smell of cheese wafting up through the stillness-like newly fallen snow
  • I will listen to all your suggestions
  • I will also listen to all your conversations
  • My OA leader is in TI so I can get you passes
  • Cheese fries aplenty
  • Make all Princeton emails actually relevant and useful to the students
  • Addendum to the previous promise: Just kidding, let’s be realistic here
  • The Chamber of Secrets shall be opened once more and the heir of Rocky will start claiming victims
  • Campus will realize long neglected spelling mistake and introduce the “First Campus Center.”
  • In a year and a half when this becomes relevant, I won’t ask you for passes
  • Free townies
  • Voucher for one free un-banishment from Friendsy
  • Class of 2018 All-Class Pregame feat. DJ D.Scott in Dillon Gym
  • William Deresiewicz will follow you around dressed in an extremely convincing sheep costume. When you poke him, he baaa’s.
  • A ply-count so high you will actually just be wiping with a tree.
  • Residential college graveyards
  • Rename Fine Hall “Nasty Nash’s Booty Bounce House”
  • I’ll keep us out of war!
  • I’ll embroil us in war!
  • I don’t know, how are we feeling about war these days?
  • On every floor, I will install a machine that turns your late night tears into coffee to power you through the evening
  • As a Class Council Member, I promise to foster more Freshman Class activities. In the past, we’ve had Quidditch and Dodgeball, but as a council member, I would propose the following:
    • The Hunger Games
    • Saw
    • Russian Roulette
    • and my personal favorite, Go Fish
  • A family dinner where dad and mom don’t fight, for once
  • Princeton will reach at least the quarterfinals of the 2018 FIFA World Cup
  • Employers will fully and totally grasp the total magnitude and extent of grade deflation, and factor it into their hiring decisions
  • Condoms big enough for your penis (FINALLY)
  • End of your loneliness
  • End of the patriarchy
  • End of the world’s problems, so you can pursue a career in finance guilt-free
  • “Hot girls” in 2019
  • Super-fly toilet paper (just one ply, but twice as fly)
  • Absolute freedom of navigation upon the seas, outside territorial waters, alike in peace and in war, except as the seas may be closed in whole or in part by international action for the enforcement of international covenants.
  • Your parents won’t try to contact you every day!
  • Guest lecturers like Obama, Hershey, Poe, Columbus, Sacajawea, and Christ!
  • Dining halls to be replaced by Applebee’s and Chik-fil-A
  • Escalators
  • Level out the entire campus so that it’s not such a bitch to get from Frick to any relevant place
  • More mainstream celebrity alumni who your aunt has actually heard of
  • Puppies that give massages study breaks
  • Everyone can keep a pet in their room.
  • Everyone must keep a pet in their room.
  • Tigers. Tigers everywhere. Tigers for everyone. They will run free and overtake the campus.
  • Like Nutella? I promise to fill an entire swimming pool with Nutella so we as a class can lie in a sea of Nutella and slowly eat our stress away.
  • Tasteful nudity
  • Bread and circuses
  • Replacing grade deflation with grade inflation
  • Replacing grade inflation with grade hyperinflation
  • No more 8:30, 9, or 10am classes (too early)
  • No more 11am classes (everyone is hungry)
  • No more 12:30 classes (people need to eat)
  • No more 1:30 classes (people need to nap after they eat)
  • No more 2:30 or 3 or or 3:30 classes (people need a break)
  • No more night classes (too late)
  • I will make your wildest dreams come true
  • I will act as a stable father figure in your life
  • I will be the hero this campus deserves, but not the one it needs right now
  • Money to vote for me
  • Printers that work
  • A bae that texts back
  • Affection from your parents
  • A summer internship with the Dalai Lama
  • A llama
  • A 150-plus-scoring YikYak post for everyone
  • A twenty foot wall to keep the townies out
  • Spring break class trip: a journey to the lost city of Atlantis
  • Preceptors made from carefully crafted Chipotle burritos
  • A deep and inexplicable sadness
  • Youth
  • A blessing from the old gods
  • A $3 Starbucks gift card, purchased through Facebook on your birthday, because nothing says “I care” like one of these suckers
  • USG Study Break featuring free exorcisms performed by Dean Malkiel
  • Friends.
  • A refusal to recognize any of the limitations on the power of the office.
  • The second season of Firefly, the eighth Harry Potter book, and The Winds of Winter.
  • Half-Life 2: Episode Three.
  • More hours in the day
  • I promise to not make any actual long-lasting change in USG and only make superficial changes that are probably impossible to implement and won’t really greatly impact your time at Princeton if they are achieved.

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