Total Loser Calls Home Regularly

Illustration by RF '17.
Illustration by RRF ’17.

PRINCETON, NJ – After just two weeks of college, sources confirm that total pansy Ryan Colter ’18 has already called his family twice to keep in touch and assure them that he is adapting reasonably well to college life.

Evidently unaware that he is now a fully mature and independent adult at 18 years old, Colter was overheard telling his parents he loved and missed them over a Skype call, and definitely needs to stop being such a sentimental baby.

Colter, who seriously needs to man up, reportedly spent more than an hour Friday night on the phone with his mother, father, and younger brother Stevie, while non-losers went out and totally got some. Sources confirm that Colter plans to continue the ludicrously babyish behavior of periodically checking in with his family throughout college, and may even return home to visit over spring break.

Colter’s roommate, Adrian Dent ’18, admitted that he could not bring himself to respect a naïve little wimp not even cool enough to be indifferent towards the loving progenitors that brought him into this Earth.

“I bet he sends his grandparents cards on their birthdays,” Dent added.

RCA Rachel Matheson ’15 believes that Colter is “depriving himself of a quintessential Princeton experience.”

“I’d never judge any of my zees, even if he is a giant wuss that can’t stop crying for his mommy, but this behavior is preventing him from making genuine connections with inebriated peers solely interested in using his body to temporarily relieve a week of pent-up stress,” she said.

Experts agree that Colter will likely never grow up and remain a sappy, pathetic man-child for the rest of his life.

— EYY ’17

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