The Princeton Bucket List

As you sit in the chapel for Opening Exercises, Princeton feels like it will last forever. But time flies when you’re drunk this frequently, and your time at Princeton will seem like it’s over faster than a sixth grade relationship. To help you make the most of it, here’s our bucket list.

  1. Write an astonishingly stupid and insensitive article for the Tory
  2. Make it a matter of principle to never check your privilege
  3. Briefly consider studying abroad
  4. Go abroad to a wild and exotic locale like Oxford or Sydney, where they speak English with a whole different accent
  5. Do the alternate Prospect 12 in which you lose a hookup at every eating club
  6. Cry everywhere
  7. Find virginity
  8. Establish a PrincetonFML personality
  9. Take for granted how beautiful this campus is
  10. Fulfill all of your distribution requirements
  11. Complete your senior thesis
  12. Take the senior exit survey
  13. Pack up your files from Princeton’s servers with OIT’s digital suitcase
  14. Register your email addressJW_tigermag_bucketlist16_thighsgruber
  15. Completely empty your room and sweep the floor. Take any unwanted items to the dumpster or one of the designated Donation Sites. Do not leave them in the room or hallway.
  16. Take thousands of pictures of your own thighs from different angles under various lighting treatments, print them out, and cut & paste bits of these images together until they form a Chuck Close-esque horror representing the grinning, toothy face of President Christopher Ludwig Eisgruber. Call your creation “Thighsgruber” and cry about your sex life.
  17. Return any keys to the drop box in front of New South.
  18. Fall rush Theta
  19. Get suspended for fall rushing Theta
  20. Do it again
  21. Enter into a perpetual cycle of suspension for never refusing to fall rush Theta
  22. Pregame a precept
  23. Postgame a precept
  24. Precept a pregame
  25. Never text back
  26. Make love to an idea
  27. Run across the stage in McCosh 50 during a lecture wearing nothing but a mask. And pants. And a shirt. And maybe a jacket.
  28. Point out that it’s ironic that the architecture building is ugly
  29. Engage in disciplined reflection on human conduct, character, and ways of life.
  30. JW_tigermag_bucketlist42_skatenightTurn down invitations to do fun things because you have So Much Work
  31. Fuck on the first Skate Night Date Night
  32. Let your bike slowly deteriorate over the course of the winter
  33. Block a means of egress
  34. Cockblock a means of egress
  35. Host an ODUS-approved party with beverages with an alcohol content of 5% or less and guests above the age of 21
  36. Be a legacy
  37. Usurp your roommate’s inheritance
  38. Ride a townie to class
  39. Plead the 2nd in your trial before the Honor Committee
  40. Teach SAT courses
  41. Insulate yourself from the outside world
  42. Network
  43. Let your demons win
  44. Get a meal sometime
  45. Don’t
  46. Be the U-Store prostitute
  47. Have an opinion strong enough to warrant flyers
  48. Find out what you be
  49. Dunk on a tenured professor
  50. Every now and then, fall apart

Illustrations by JW ’16

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