As you sit in the chapel for Opening Exercises, Princeton feels like it will last forever. But time flies when you’re drunk this frequently, and your time at Princeton will seem like it’s over faster than a sixth grade relationship. To help you make the most of it, here’s our bucket list.
- Write an astonishingly stupid and insensitive article for the Tory
- Make it a matter of principle to never check your privilege
- Briefly consider studying abroad
- Go abroad to a wild and exotic locale like Oxford or Sydney, where they speak English with a whole different accent
- Do the alternate Prospect 12 in which you lose a hookup at every eating club
- Cry everywhere
- Find virginity
- Establish a PrincetonFML personality
- Take for granted how beautiful this campus is
- Fulfill all of your distribution requirements
- Complete your senior thesis
- Take the senior exit survey
- Pack up your files from Princeton’s servers with OIT’s digital suitcase
- Register your alumni.princeton.edu email address
- Completely empty your room and sweep the floor. Take any unwanted items to the dumpster or one of the designated Donation Sites. Do not leave them in the room or hallway.
- Take thousands of pictures of your own thighs from different angles under various lighting treatments, print them out, and cut & paste bits of these images together until they form a Chuck Close-esque horror representing the grinning, toothy face of President Christopher Ludwig Eisgruber. Call your creation “Thighsgruber” and cry about your sex life.
- Return any keys to the drop box in front of New South.
- Fall rush Theta
- Get suspended for fall rushing Theta
- Do it again
- Enter into a perpetual cycle of suspension for never refusing to fall rush Theta
- Pregame a precept
- Postgame a precept
- Precept a pregame
- Never text back
- Make love to an idea
- Run across the stage in McCosh 50 during a lecture wearing nothing but a mask. And pants. And a shirt. And maybe a jacket.
- Point out that it’s ironic that the architecture building is ugly
- Engage in disciplined reflection on human conduct, character, and ways of life.
Turn down invitations to do fun things because you have So Much Work- Fuck on the first Skate Night Date Night
- Let your bike slowly deteriorate over the course of the winter
- Block a means of egress
- Cockblock a means of egress
- Host an ODUS-approved party with beverages with an alcohol content of 5% or less and guests above the age of 21
- Be a legacy
- Usurp your roommate’s inheritance
- Ride a townie to class
- Plead the 2nd in your trial before the Honor Committee
- Teach SAT courses
- Insulate yourself from the outside world
- Network
- Let your demons win
- Get a meal sometime
- Don’t
- Be the U-Store prostitute
- Have an opinion strong enough to warrant flyers
- Find out what you be
- Dunk on a tenured professor
- Every now and then, fall apart
Illustrations by JW ’16